Phil? You have to do something. You have to talk to her.
Forget talk. Kick her to the curb.
PhilI have to break up with her? Well, how? I--I...
Don't look at me. I've never broken up with anybody.
Look, It's a snap. You know the guy I'm going out with, Mikey Watson?
Mikey Watson. A.K.A...The luckiest guy in the ninth grade. I've heard of him.
I was gonna cut him loose on Monday anyway, but if this helps...Hey, Mikey! These last few weeks have been huge, but we're done.
Phil
I can't do that.
Phil
I don't know what to do. See, if I tell Marla that I don't like her, then...It'll hurt her feelings.
Son, It's a good thing you came to me. This is what you call a classic father-son moment.
Phil
Really? You mean girls had crushes on you when you were growing up?
No, but they did on my old college roommate rex.
Phil
Rex, rex...Isn't that the guy mom almost married?
Let's not go there. Anyway, he had so many girls chasing him, he used one of these.
Phil
Ah, one of those old-fashioned DNA scramblers.
Yep. I never go anywhere without this thing.
Oh, they're a hoot at parties. I'll make you look so strange, Marla'll be running for the hills.
Phil
Great! Thanks, dad.
Hey, remember when I used it on your uncle Milt, made his lips look like a fish?
Phil
Yeah, you really lightened up his funeral.
That's what I'm saying, yeah.
Phil
(Knocks)
Phil
Keely, It's getting out of hand. I either have to marry Marla or leave town.
Phil
What was that?
My mom and her friends are having a cat circus. Don't ask.
Phil
Marla says she loves me for what's on the inside. (Scoffs) Does that stink, or what?
Phil
Keely, It's not funny and It's not fair. Girls have all these rules, and we're supposed to figure out what they are.
Are you kidding? It's not easy for us, either.
Phil
Well, I have absolutely no idea what's going on in Marla's head.
Phil, sure, you do. She thinks you're cute, funny, and sensitive. The problem is she doesn't know what's going on in your head.
Phil
What am I supposed to do? Be like Tia and kick her to the curb?
(Sighs) It's probably best just to be yourself. You're cute, funny, and sensitive. You know, guide her to the curb.
Phil
Pim, I'm using it first.
Phil
Because i'm older i'm smarter...And taller.
Phil, you may be taller, but there's always gonna be one thing i have over you.
Phil
Yeah? What's that, a serious anger issue?
I can hold a grudge forever.
Phil
Oh, really?
Yes, remember the time you ate the last butterscotch pudding cup?
Phil
No.
Well, you did. I was 4 1/2. It was tuesday, 6:35. You were wearing blue--
Phil
Pim, I didn't eat your pudding cup. I put it in your shampoo.
Phil, you know what this is?
Phil
It's a flute.
No, it's a musical spit catcher.
Phil
Nice.
Phil, that can't be healthy.
Phil
Here. Re-hydrate.
I don't know why i thought i could play the flute. You ever play an instrument?
Phil
Yeah, phyble.
Did you blow in it? Are there strings? Did you hit it?
Phil
Exactly. All those things.
So, I tried to call you last night to talk about the field trip.
Phil
Oh...Yeah. I was out riding my bike.
Really? Your mom said you went for a walk.
Phil
Yeah, I did. Well, see, I took a bike ride, but then i got a flat tire, so i had to walk the bike back. Oh, technically, I guess it was really a walk. So, anyway, about the field trip. Where are we going?
Mm! To the pickford tomato ranch. You didn't know pickford was the ketchup capital of the world, did you?
Phil
That's why there's that giant squeeze bottle in town square.
I know it sounds lame, but it's actually kind of cool. At the end of the tour, everybody gets into the stomping tub and stomps tomatoes. Anyway, it's all squishy and messy and barefoot.
Phil
Barefoot? As in...Barefoot?
Phil
Oh...I can't!
Phil
Go to pickford ranch because i'm allergic to tomatoes, see? If one even touches my body, I get all weird and twitchy. Just like that. (Exhales)
You're about to eat ketchup right now.
So you really want to go to this pickford ranch?
Phil
Yeah, I do. You know, every time i start to feel like a normal kid from a normal family, something gets in the way...Like this.
Sweetie, if you're concerned that your feet smell, just do what your dad does.
1/2 hour in a vinegar soak, then dust 'em with cornmeal.
Phil
No, it's not the smell, mom. I'm talking about how people in this century have 5 toes. I have 4.
Oh, that's right. They won't lose their pinky toe for 75 years.
How do they walk with all those--
(Silly Voice) Hello, I am a useless pinky toe. Someday, you will be born without me.
Phil
Come on, guys, i'm serious.
Okay, family, I don't have much time for chit chat. I need donations. Watches, necklaces, belt buckles, gold fillings. Don't be stingy. It's for a good cause. Thank you. Your donations are appreciated. I'm touched. Et cetera, et cetera.
Son, if you really want to go on this field trip, i'm gonna find a way to get you there.
Phil
Really?
Lloyd...What are you gonna do, build him a falsie?
MMan
Tomato pioneer ira pickford never did find the gold he was looking for, but he did find another treasure--red gold. The pride of pickford. From this humble fruit flows the most noble of meat sauces...Ketchup. This town was built on the hard work and sweaty back of a man with a dream.
I thought you were allergic to tomatoes.
Phil
Yeah. I got my allergy shot last night.
MMan
All right, everyone, please remove your shoes and socks.
Phil
Uh, excuse me. Is there a place i can change?
Change? We're just taking off our shoes and socks.
MMan
Well, Oddly enough, for some of our shyer visitors, we do have changing facilities.
Phil
Hey there. So, uh, you may have noticed i've been acting a little weird lately.
Now that you mention it...A little.
Phil
Yeah. I'm sorry about that.
It's okay. So...You're normal Phil again?
Phil
Heh. So normal it hurts.
Phil, you want to go to the deep end?
Phil
No, I don't want to go to the deep end. I'm fine right here. Thanks. Could you just leave me alone for a minute? Okay?
Phil
Where's my toe?!
Phil
Excuse me, I uh...Lost my wallet.
I swear, Phil Diffy has more mood swings than my mother. I mean, have you noticed that? He's up, he's down. If you want to be his friend, i'm telling you, strap in!
Phil
Eww! Where's my toe?
MMan
Your attention, please. Nobody move! We've detected a foreign article in the slurry!
MMan
All right, everybody out of the tub!
PPrincipal
All right, Johnson, you're next. Get in here!
Sometimes i dream i'm married to Mr. Potatohead...And we live in a 2-bedroom condo in boca raton, florida.
Phil
What?!
And i want to be a doctor, but he wants me to stay home and take care of our 5 spuds.
Phil
So...Why are you telling me this?
Because it's my deepest, darkest secret. And because i know what's going on. I found this in the goop.
Phil
What?! It's not--it's not mine.
"Property of P. Diffy"? Phil, so what? You have 4 toes. You don't have to hide things from me.
Phil
Really?
Yeah. You spent the last 3 days lying and acting all weird and throwing tomatoes at me just because of a...Pinky toe?
Phil
It does feel kinda good to get my toe off my chest.
(Chuckles) Phil, you're my best friend. Just promise me no more secrets. You and i are on a...100% honesty pact. Deal?
Phil
Deal. Wait. Uh, there's...One more thing.
Phil
(Sighs) The reason i have 4 toes is because where i'm from, everyone does. I grew up over 100 years from now. I'm from the future.
Phil
So, we were taking our vacation, visiting the prehistoric era. There were cavemen and dinosaurs, but whatever, my dad had to go back to work. (Sarcastic Chuckle) So, uh, we swing by the french revolution, then headed for home. But our time machine broke down, so, uh, now we're stuck here in your time. According to my dad, if the government found out, we'd be captured...or worse. Uh, if you can hear me, can you nod or something? Just...
PPrincipal
Okay, get in here, Diffy. Your turn.
Phil
I just wanted my best friend to know the truth about me.
You told her what?! Why?!
Phil
I had to. She told me she has dreams about being married to Mr. Potatohead. Look, it's Keely's innermost secret. When she told me that, I realized that it doesn't matter what century you're from. Real friends are truthful with each other, and i need a friend. A real friend.
When this leaks out, there's gonna be news reports and a manhunt! Before you know it, they're going to be busting down our door!
Marmalukes! Do you hear that? They're here!
Hey! Sorry about the racket. Your gate sticks a bit.
Hey, I thought i heard someone at the gate.
Oh, it's just me, Mrs. Diffy. I never officially welcomed you to the neighborhood.
Aw, thank you, Keely. Although we do miss lawrence, kansas, geographical center of the nation.
Save it. Our son spilled the beans.
Phil, I don't care if you're from the future. Or from kansas...Or some nut job from...Nutsville. It doesn't matter to me. Whatever secrets you have, they're safe with me.
Phil
Thank you. It really means a lot to me. It--It means a lot to us.
Phil, it looks like your new friend might need a ride home.
Phil
Really?
Oh, my gosh, Phil, you really are from the future.
Phil
It's a skyak. hop on.
Oh, honey, remember our first skyak ride?
Oh, no. This can't be right. According to my organizer, i'm a loser!
Yep. I'm totally free this weekend.
Phil
(Grunts) You? You are totally free? Nothing? I find that hard to believe.
Oh! Problem solved! You're going to festapalooza.
Phil
How do you know that?
I didn't know it was this weekend. There's gonna be, like, 50 bands there.
Phil
Festa...Festapalooza! No way! Festapalooza is legendary. Murray Van Peltin stir-fries his guitar on stage. (Imitates Electric Guitar) And then serves it to the needy. It was crazy!
Phil
Huh?
Well, the concert's not till saturday. How would you know what happens?
Um...Phil gets his tenses confused when he's tired. Sometimes he uses the past tense, sometimes he uses the future tense. Sometimes he's just tense.
Phil
I'm hoping that murray, you know, stir-fries his guitar...On stage...Because as we know...That would be really good for the needy. So, I wonder how much tickets are?
Phil
How do you know this?
That guy is good. I could have used him during my ceramics quiz.
Phil
Hey, Dad? I'm pretty sure the hoses in this century aren't thought-activated. you gotta actually squeeze the handle.
Thanks a load, Smarty Trousers. See, every day at this time an ill-mannered dog drops by and leaves a fresh present on our lawn. Today, i'm gonna let him know how i feel about that.
Phil
Gotcha. So, while we're waiting, my chance i could borrow 100 bucks to see a concert?
Phil
Yeah, you saw the skywriter?
Yeah, I was trimming my nose hairs in the backyard. I looked in the mirror, and i saw it. I thought it said azoolapatsef. Anyway, sorry, Son. You gotta earn that money on your own.
Aw, nut sticks! He did it again! I hate cleaning up after this hound.
Phil
Hey, Dad...I'd be happy to clean it up for you.
Phil
For 100 bucks. 2 bucks?
I don't know why people have so many dogs around here. That's what dogs do, you know. Dog...Dog doo. (Laughs)
Phil
Pleasure doing business with you.
Phil
No. Thank you. I think you just gave me a great idea.
Phil of the Future · 136 quotes
