Andy Dwyer quotes from Parks and Recreation

Andy

Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a cutting board, but if you think for one second that I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.

April

[deeply touched] You're going to make me cry.

Andy

Hello strange person who I have never met before. Who are you?

April

I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. Who are you?

Andy

Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they ever had until I was framed for a crime i didn't commit. Stealing the President's...rubies. Now I work alone.

April

Lovely to meet you.

Andy

I gotta admit, I thought your costume would be alittle more slutty.

April

[slaps Andy] HOW DARE YOU!? [walks away]

Andy

...Nice.

Andy

You've gotta try role play. That's what me and April do.

Ben

...that explains the outift.

Andy

Yeah you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss and sex is forbidden because she works for you.

Ben

...That is our actual situation.

Andy

And she's addicted to spanking.

Ben

Okay. Thanks, we got it. We're good.

Donna

This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.

Leslie

You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!

Tom

I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.

Ann

I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.

Ben

Baba booey.

Andy

Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...

April

[rapidly speaks Spanish]

Leslie

Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!

Ann

Leslie this is so nice!

April

[popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these balloons so if any of them pops you may die.

Andy

[popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera] School.

Leslie

We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's First Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve noon sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party.

Tom

[popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!

Ann

How many of you are in here!?

Leslie

There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart and he's kind of a grouch.

Ann

I have an office mate?

[popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of here!

Ann

...Hi I'm Ann.

Tammy One

Sit up straight! You're not doing your breasts any favors.

April

[sits up straight] Thank you.

Andy

[walking in] Honey, your breasts look amazing!

Tammy One

[seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your accounts. And your home.

Ron

...Is that necessary?

Tammy One

Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid?

...

Tammy One

[to Andy] You. What is your name?

Andy

...Tim...Tim Buckanowski...

Tammy One

Really?

Andy

No...Andy Dwyer.

Tammy One

Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to put it in my car. Ms. Knope!

Leslie

Yes!?

Tammy One

You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's workplace expense reports.

Leslie

Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle royale. It's super fun-

Tammy One

Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in Terre Haute.

Leslie

...I'll...I'll head down to payroll.

Tammy One

Now! You're not getting any younger.

Leslie

Yes ma'am...

Leslie

Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.

Tammy Two

None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to Andy] Who's this tall drink of water?

Andy

Andy...

Tammy Two

Hey Andy. How's it hanging?

Leslie

Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?

Tammy Two

Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.

April

Eww!

Andy

Could we take a peek at it?

Tammy Two

Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of acid.

Andy

I think I have an idea that can save Ron.

April

Andy...

Leslie

Don't joke around.

Andy

I...have ideas too...

Andy

Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!

Leslie

Why do you have so many guns?

Tammy Zero

This is America isn't it?

Leslie

Yes...

Tammy Zero

Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing on my own property! Let's go!

April

Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom.

Ron

Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me and Mother Nature.

Andy

And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call.

Ron

Thank you Andy.

Andy

Brother Nature.

Ben

I take it we're having a party?

Andy

Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry.

Ben

No, no, no. It's fine. Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have an enormous party? I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room.

Andy

That's a good point.

Andy

Hey Ron, good to see ya! Weren't you a pirate last year?

Ron

Yes. This is my Halloween costume. Andrew are you aware that your bathroom faucet is leaking?

Andy

Are you kidding me?! I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday! What else do they want me to do?

Ron

There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well.

Andy

Oh yeah shock wire! I call it that cause if you take a shower and you touch the wire, YOU DIE!

Ron

...Yes that is accurate.

Andy

We need to deal with what's bothering you.

Ben

[sarcastically] Oh please, come into my room.

Andy

See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it and I'm gonna beat you up until you do because I'm mature.

Leslie

I need a few more volunteers. Andy, will you be Iceland?

Andy

The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so.

Leslie

OK, how about Japan?

Andy

The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse. How about Germany? They've never been the bad guys.

Ann

Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city council again, Leslie. With our help.

April

April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.

Tom

Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.

Ann

Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.

Andy

Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.

Donna

Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.

Jerry

Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I was supposed to come up with something. I...

Ron

Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.

Leslie

Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.

Ron

Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.

Leslie

[choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an election!