Andy Dwyer quotes from Parks and Recreation

Tom

Can't believe these things are healthy.

Andy

It's not that crazy. Krackle Bars, also healthy and delicious.

Donna

No they're not.

Andy

Yeah they actually have rice in them so...

Donna

Oh Andy. You're fine but you're simple.

Andy

You're like an angel with no wings.

April

So like a person...

Leslie

Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you.

We'll get to it first thing Monday.

Leslie

Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request.

Andy

We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.

Leslie

Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my task force.

That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here.

Tom

Isn't that them there?

Nope.

Tom

Yo Brett!

Yo!

Dude!

Leslie

Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up?

Okay!

Andy

Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."

Tom

So you weren't thinking.

Andy

Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

Andy

So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be?

April

The super old one.

Andy

Really?

April

Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.

Andy

They have one called the "Meat Tornado." Literally killed a guy last year.

Ron

You had me at "Meat Tornado."

Leslie

Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk toppings.

Andy

Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best toppings.

Leslie

Nice.

Ben

Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?

Tom

Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben.

Leslie

Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas.

April

[reading Andy's "Thank You" note for her grandfather] "Dear April's grandmother." I said grandfather.

Andy

Oh, oops. OK.

April

"You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. "I hope someday I can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It was five dollars. "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf.

Andy

OK, do you want me to make those changes or is it good?

April

I can get free drinks anytime I want.

Andy

How?

April

Umm I'm a girl in a sleazy club. [turns to the guy sitting next to her] Hey.

Hey.

April

I hate drinking alone.

Can I get you a drink?

April

Sure! [to bartender] Triple whiskey.

What's your name?

April

Oprah!

I'm Kevin.

April

Cool. [gets her whiskey] I kinda want to drink alone.

But-

April

I said I want to drink alone. Thanks. Bye!

April

Here you take this one. I will get myself a martini from that idiot.

April

Hey, I love you.

Andy

Dude, shut up! That is awesomesauce!

Jerry

[referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, they're probably dead.

Tom

Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God.

Jerry

For the last time--

April

Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.

Andy

Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me?

April

Ron, can you tell Andy--

Ron

Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone?

Andy

[to April] I do love you, you know.

April

You do?

Andy

Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome.

Andy

Attention, everybody! Madams and...mis...wahs? If you would do me the obligation of having your honor, heretofore, in the room doth right over there, uh, hence.

Ron

What?

Andy

Big event, in that room, fifteen minutes.

Chris

Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?

Andy

Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what I call it?

Chris

Skittle Sandwich?

Andy

...That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise. It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.

Chris

I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy!

Tom

This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing.

Donna

What is this in here? Saffron?

Chris

Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette!

I love the umami flavor.

Jerry

Stop being so pretentious Kyle!

Sorry.

Ron

Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.

Chris

Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.

Tom

Never mind this is better!

Donna

Way better!

Jerry

Mmmmm Mmmhmm!

Andy

...Kyle?

...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better.

Andy

Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so much better it's crazy!

Ron

Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry.

Chris

I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers.

Yay!

Andy

Morning Roomie! How'd ya sleep?

Ben

Well there were no bedbugs...also no bed...I'm gonna go buy a bed. I'm sorry, are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee?

Andy

Hahahaha yeah it's really cute right?

Ben

No. Do you know what cute means?