Scenes with Andy Dwyer 75
Hi. What are you...are you coming to see me? Did you hear that I'm relaunching my campaign?
W William
Actually, no sorry we weren't here to see you. We've been meeting with other potential candidates for City Council.
Oh really? So my campaign ends and just like that you find someone else and run theirs?
E Elizabeth
Yes that's our job.
...I know. Good luck! But I just had a big meeting with my new advisory board and they're brilliant and amazing! They're real killers.
Andy Leslie! I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.
...Thank you Andy! I'll be right in.
W William
Well uh, good luck Leslie. Honestly.
[William and Elizabeth start walking away]
Well we don't need luck....We are a rocket ship...We're relaunching and we're gonna blast past your candid-and they're gone.
[Andy and April Introduce Ben to Champion]
That is a three-legged dog.
Andy His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion.
Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?
Andy Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four.
Except for digging! He's really bad a digging.
Andy And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the house. You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and Champion goes back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever.
...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death.
Andy Yes!
But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you.
Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, Andy and I have jobs.
Is there even enough room for everyone?
No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?
Andy No that's Champion's spot, he called it.
Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap.
Ron how's the stage coming?
Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the biggest I could make it. [presents tiny stage]
Oh my God. [notices her trimmed down banner] Good lord! What happened to the rest of my face!?
Andy We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause windows are the eyes to the house.
Andy Aww cool cryptex! Can I have it!?
Andy Where'd you get it!?
How do you know what a cryptex is?
Andy I know what things are.
Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third date.
Andy Have you tried 'Fuck!?'
...That's a four letter word.
Andy Oh. Add an 'S'?
I really don't think it's that.
Andy I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know.
[cut to Ben and Andy in Ron's office]
So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open.
Andy Ha!
Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?!
Andy Just smart people.
I think I might be able to help you.
Andy Told ya!
[Ron takes a hammer and smash open the cryptex]
Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs.
And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances!
Andy Sweet!
D Donor
So you do a lot of investing?
Andy We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so... [chuckles, lifts up wine glass and stares at it] The economy.
Andy Okay, listen up folks, we have a security situation here. As you know when we reach the location, I will be conducting a security sweep. Also, from now on, we will be using code names. You can address me, as “Eagle 1”. Ann, Codename “Been There Done That.” April is “Currently Doing That.” Donna is “It Happened Once in a Dream.” Chris codename “If I Had to Pick a Dude.” Ben is “Eagle 2”.
It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop campaigning. We stop, we lose!
Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said.
Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to Bobby in person.
I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann!
Andy If..I..If...The guy...
Andy Sewage Joe! Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis to everyone and you've come here to pie him!
The little twerp has it coming!
Andy Oh do I dare ya! Please! Give me one reason to take you down. I would love nothing-
[Sewage Joe throws a pie in Ben's face]
Andy Aww Fuck Ben! Sorry!
[Police take Sewage Joe away]
Andy Oh ho! I did it!
[covered in pie] Yeah...Great job.
Andy You OK, boss?
No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.
Andy Who's Hot Rebecca?
She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses into one woman called Hot Rebecca.
Andy Oooh.
I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat.
Andy [laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam.
Andy Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass Leslie. Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up on stuff.
Andy That's what makes you...
Andy ...an amalgam. Nailed it.
Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia.
Andy Woo!
Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause they're close to death.
Also seniors can be pretty ornery.
Andy Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny."
I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president!
With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more concerned with disease.
Andy [in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
Andy Cause that's happening to me...what should I do?
Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?
Andy [in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
[in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo!
[to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 to ride this train!
Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann]
So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan!
There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with them on your own time!
Andy I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those.
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Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
Andy
