Ben Wyatt quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

Wow! Are those Jens Trauder Colored Tabs!? I thought those were discontinued.

Allison

They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back channels.

Leslie

Juan Julio Officina Supplies!? I thought they went out of business!

Allison

They did but they opened up a new one in Oxaca.

Ben

...What is happening right now?

Ben

You may be old, but you'll never be as old as me.

Tom

Yeah. You're old as shit! Thanks Ben.

Ben

Glad I could help.

Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine evening?

Ron

Motherfucker!

Ben

Whoa where'd you come from?

Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.

Ben

...What?

Hello Ron.

Ben

Ron, you know this hobo?

He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department.

Ben

Dude, are you a ghost?

Am I?

Ben

...What is happening right now!?!

Ben

So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items.

April

I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar.

Leslie

That's great April! How'd you do that!?

April

It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.

Dr. Saperstein

Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's your healthy baby!

Leslie

Oh wow.

Dr. Saperstein

Oh! And there's another one!

Ben

The baby has two bodies?

Leslie

Twins! Ben we're having twins!

Dr. Saperstein

No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here.

Leslie

...Triplets!? Triplets!?

Dr. Saperstein

And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare!

Ben

Triplets...

Leslie

Triplets...

Leslie

I can't believe it! We knocked it out of the park on the first try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court!

Ben

This is insane.

Leslie

This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now we got the proof!

Dr. Saperstein

Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale."

Ben

[to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to RELAX?!

Leslie

Are you ready to go, my gentle dove?

Ben

Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love you.

Ben

[to the camera] We are so fucking screwed.

Leslie

Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who just hit triple cherries in her uterus.

Ben

We're screwed.

Ben

Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars!

Leslie

Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time.

Ben

You're ready?

Leslie

Not at all. But that's never stopped us before.

Ben

Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los Angeles not a wine.

Joan

Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing?

Ben

No because he's been famously dead for 60 years.

Joan

WHAT!?

Joan

[Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham...

Ben

Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.

Leslie

Okay, monsters! Mommy and Daddy have to pack because we are going to a hotel but Roz is gonna stay here with you.

Roz

Yeah we are gonna have so much fun! We're gonna play games! We're gonna color! ...Maybe we're even gonna sit quietly for...30 seconds!? [the kids run off] Do you think that I could have 30 seconds!?

Leslie

[to Ben] She's fading. Roz! Hey! You are a wonderful nanny. You're tough and strong and you're an excellent caretaker for our children.

Ben

Yeah every time you come to our house we are so happy to see you.

Leslie

I love you more than Ben.

Ben

...

Leslie

I do. If Ben left me I would be sad but I would get though it. But if you left me...I would never recover.

Roz

[touched] Thanks. That helps.

Ben

Things aren't that chaotic.

Roz

[running in] All three of them just bumped into each other and broke everything you own!

Roz

I don't know what that was.

Leslie

Babe you are killing it!

Ben

I am right!?

Leslie

Yes!

Ben

Even just thinking I'm a congressman makes me feel like one! Oh also I have a little secret, I'm drunk!

Leslie

I am too! Ever since we had our kids it only takes like one sip of wine!

Ben

I feel so good and condifent...con...I feel condifent.