[Two Eagletonians are presenting their offensive park design]
WWoman
We present the crown jewel of Pawnee containing the sights, sounds and most importantly, smells that define your city.
MMan
There are several drool buckets for your more slack-jawed citizens. We also have food troughs full of cheeseburgers and public showers with instructions for those who've never showered before.
[Pause]
[quietly with rage] You have five seconds to get out of here or I will rip your throats out.
BenOut! Now!
WWoman
Oh hey, my backyard is bigger than your park so...
[Ben holds Leslie back from charging her]
Ben
Leslie stay back! Stay back!
Ben
What the Hell happened man!?
WWrestin
I had nothing to do with that stupid prank. In fact that's why I'm late, I was firing the two people who were responsible and I was escorting them out of the building.
Ben
Well...good!
WWrestin
Full disclosure. Certain people in the firm wanted to promote them but I insisted they be fired.
Ben
If you swear to me that your serious, maybe we can salvage this.
WWrestin
I would really love to. But what about Leslie? I doubt that she could ever get over the bad blood between our towns.
Ben
I think you're wrong. Leslie is a very forgiving person.
[Leslie runs up and start spraying shaving cream all over Wrestin]
REVENGE! Hahaha this is for Pawnee you buttfaced pompous jerk! WOOOOO! I love you Ben! PAWNEE FOREVER! You want a stupid tie!? [spraying his tie] I'll give you a stupid tie! Haha Wrestin! Suck it! Now we're even.
Ben
Leslie.
Ben
He didn't do it and he fired the people who did.
... [drops cans and runs away]
Ben
[trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you?
Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark secret.
Ben
Nothing you're saying is helpful.
But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.
Ben
That's nonsense.
Ben
[tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is crooked] How's it look?
Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... break it a sixth.
Ben
Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay.
I have something for you.
Ben
All right.
It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010.
Ben
[quietly] No way.
We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both found a home.
Ben
Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me.
It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh]
Stop bidding on my waffle iron.
Ben
You're futuremrstigerwoods?
I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.
Ben
Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June.
Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship.
Ben
Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I love you.
Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of anniversaries, so I have seniority.
Ben
Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction.
Ben
Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed.
No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back?
Ben
Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. [pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth for example.
This is why we don't hang out.
Ben
Hey, you wanted to see me?
I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast!
Ben
Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old calculator. It doesn't have a name.
That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben
It's a complicated legal document.
It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben
[reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
The man who kills me will know.
Ben
Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.
The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman and doctor. Pass.
Ben
Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.
[pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of?
On my side, I have facts, science, and reason. All he has is fearmongering. Oh my God, he's gonna win.
Ben
Yeah, people get jittery about stuff like this. Remember last year when no one would get flu shots because there was a rumor they turned you European?
Ben
Okay just a reminder guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city counselor so everyone be extra supportive.
Already done. When she walked past me this morning I gave her a kind nod.
Ben
...Heartwarming! Also, I wanna get her a present to cheer her up on her last day. Any ideas?
A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? That's a tough one. Stay away from wine! Wine is crying juice.
Well I mean you know her better than anybody. What does she really want more than anything in the world?
Ben
...A nice candle! I'm screwed.
Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
