April Ludgate quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall Knope? Don't."

Donna

Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?"

Leslie

...Yeah that's a much better idea.

April

Can I have these question mark stickers?

Leslie

Why?

April

I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out]

Leslie

April no!

Leslie

Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now.

...

Leslie

Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's happening? Right?

Tom

Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the worst.

Leslie

April?

April

I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it.

Leslie

Andy?

Andy

I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three days.

Leslie

Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words carry great influence so what do you think I should do?

Ron

I do not think that you should run again.

Leslie

What the Hell do you know dum-dum!?

Leslie

Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.

Ron

Dear God woman!

Leslie

Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.

Ron

We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner]

Leslie

Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. [Leslie spots baby John in the corner and gasps] Oh my God, whose baby is that!?

Ron

That would be mine.

Leslie

Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!

Andy

Oh, Ron. Cool baby.

Ron

Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

Leslie

How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!

Ron

Why would you need to know something like that?

Leslie

[pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet!

April

Should we do something?

Ron

Just let her tire herself out.

If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know.

Ron

Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet store and pick up some fish food for me?

Leslie

WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!?

April

Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs"

Leslie

I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle giving the middle finger.

Andy

Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it.

April

Fine. I'll go with you because Leslie's making us and we live together and we only have one car right now because you laked mine.

What does laked mean?

Andy

I tried to jump it over a lake! Why don't you stay out of our conversations Larry!

Will do! [chuckles and walks off]

Andy

Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an eagle's poetry.

April

Andy. I hate teenagers!

Andy

If you give this a chance, you're gonna love it. I promise. It's like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. Third time, it was okay. Then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I watched it, I realized something. It's just it's not good. It's not a good movie. Now that I've convinced you, why don't we go dance?

Donna

I didn't go to my Prom. I was dating an older man at the time. Like I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids while he's coaching Duke to the final four.

April

I just wanna go home but I feel bad because Andy's having such a good time.

April

How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves?

Donna

That's not true. He loves a lot of dumb stuff but he loves you the most. If something's bothering you, just tell him. It's always better to be direct.

Hey girl. Are you ready to go?

Donna

I feel like I told you to wait in the car.

...Yeah. [walks off]

Donna

See? Be direct.

Where'd you get that dress?

April

I was buried in it.

... [awkwardly walks away]

April

April Ludgate, professional drinker.

Uhh where did you study Ms. Ludgate?

April

The Wine...Academy.

The Wine Academy!? In Bordeaux!?

April

Yes!

Carol. Make sure she's in Group A.

Craig

Excuse me I want in too. I know I don't look the part but I know everything about wine and I will prove it! My name is Craig Middlebrooks and this is my debit rewards card!

Craig

Pumpkin. Undertones of lavender. Medium plus body. It's mostly pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special!

April

I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews and just a hint of a robot's bathwater.

Craig

It's new world. Northern California. Nappa Valley. Someplace beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night sky is full of stars!

April

This comes from...your mother's butt.

Of the 25 entrants today, only one has deemed himself worthy of a Sommelier Certificate.

April

Oh my God are you sure!? No way! Oh my God thank you! Thank you so much everyone! I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you spend more than five dollars on wine you are very stupid.

Security!

April

I just wanna thank all the people that got me here. Norbit. Uhh Pluto Nash. All the Klumps...

Craig

Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?

Tom

Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red.

Craig

You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with your fish.

Donna

No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine.

April

I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around please.

Craig

...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out]

Tom

Seems to be keeping it together

Craig

[from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? I KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!

Craig

For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to bring out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet which should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam would you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white.

Tom

Thanks very much!

Craig

Enjoy. [walks out]

Tom

I think I might have found my new sommelier.

Craig

[from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!

Tom

I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound proof.

Ben

So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items.

April

I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar.

Leslie

That's great April! How'd you do that!?

April

It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.

Andy

Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying.

April

Lie.

Andy

Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has.

April

...

Andy

Leslie is dying-

April

No.

Andy

They're both dying.

April

No!

Andy

I'm dying.

April

...

Andy

Chris and Ann are moving.

April

They already moved.

Andy

They are moving again to China...town in France.

April

No!

Andy

Okay! Fine do you really wanna know?

April

Yes!

Andy

Leslie. Is. A spy.

April

No.

Andy

Tom has something wrong with his butt.

April

Oh my God.

April

Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you.

Andy

It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to keep my word.

Andy

But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready?

April

Okay!

Leslie

Everybody if you could gather around!

Andy

[pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!