April Ludgate quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ann

You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner.

Tom

HA! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up.

Ann

...If you're kidding you suck but if you're serious, I actually have been thinking about it. Hey April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back. BOOM! I'm out. [walks out]

April

Who's Matlock?

Tom

In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year.

April

Yes!

Tom

Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch of garbage.

April

My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue!

Andy

My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe!

Donna

...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick up Jerry.

No!

Donna

It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people?

Tom

Not really.

April

Never!

Ann

Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party. And why is that?

April

I need a place to deliver this baby Ann! It's coming out of me right now! I'm pregnant!

Ann

This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.

April

Oh forget it I'm coming in.

April

Ow! Get off me! Uhh!

Ann

You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse.

April

It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins.

Tom

Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because they're unflattering to my hands!

Ann

Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.

Donna

Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner.

Ann

Aww Donna! You can come in.

Donna

Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! Merry Christmas Bitches!

Ann

Well hello again. You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so cold out here it reminds me of my wife's lasagna!

April

...I actually like that one.

April

You know what? I think men are better than women.

Leslie

She's kidding

April

No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they are our masters.

Leslie

April. Stop it!

April

Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone.

Leslie

Woo! April let's finish up! We have some stereotypes to overcome.

April

And some privacy to violate!

Leslie

Yeah!

April

Woo!

Leslie

...Wait no.

April

So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex pants.

Andy

Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers] Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.

Ann

Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing everything I say.

April

So what, I have to be your slave or something?

Ann

No, you have to be my friend

April

Ugh, that's so much worse.

Leslie

Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.

April

Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for animal control?

I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.

Leslie

Get out.

I made you say that. [gets up and leaves]

Chris

I liked him.

Leslie

April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion bottles]

April

I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker.

Leslie

I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.

April

[smiles] Really? Thanks.

Leslie

There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: The Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I'm told is a fancy horse riding thing.

It is horse dancing madam!

Leslie

Okay take it easy Alonso. All you horse dancing people sit in your saddles if you will. The rest of you welcome to your new departments!

April

Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law!

Leslie

No!

Leslie

I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new filing temp...

Jerry

[walking in] Hey everybody!

April

NOOOOO!

Tom

Noooo! Why!? This can't be happening!

Ron

Why Leslie!?

April

I'm sorry was your name Jennifer?

No it's Tynnyfer. With two "Y's." I used to be Jennifer but then I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait hang on, it's Xanax O'clock. [pops some pills]

April

...[talking like Tynnyfer] Um well nice to meet you. My name's April and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.

I saw my spinning instructor wearing it and I was like, shut up where do I get that?

April

Oh my God who's your spinning instructor, Gregory or Winona?

I go to Yanis. Who are Gregory and Winona? I've never heard of them before. Are they better!?

April

Winona rocks my world.

Seriously, you need to get me in there like that's a Must. Must. Must.

April

She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.

Leslie

Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties?

April

[still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking like so much forever!

It's all so delicious!

April

I know right!?

This is like the best day ever!

April

I know I'm eating it all up!

Leslie

Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead of...wilting away like a...dying turd flower...

April

Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut!

And Skank!

April

How crazmazing is that Les!?

Ron

Why are you doing this?

Leslie

What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!?

Ron

You have lost your mind.

April

[still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les.

Leslie

Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead! Is that better!?