Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.
Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.
We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner]
Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. [Leslie spots baby John in the corner and gasps] Oh my God, whose baby is that!?
Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!
Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.
How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!
Why would you need to know something like that?
[pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet!
Just let her tire herself out.
LLarry
If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know.
Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet store and pick up some fish food for me?
WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!?
You left. Then about a month later you took Terry with you.
Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum and he's the best there is.
Ron Amen. [pause] Then you took April. I didn't want her to go as she had become one of my closest workplace acquaintances, but your offer was too good to pass up so I didn't try to stop her. Then Tom left to run his business, Donna left to run hers. One day, I looked up, just didn't recognize anyone. So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision.
[flashback to Ron walking into Leslie's office]
Hey! Well, my my my, do my eyes deceive me? Is that Ron Swanson?
Ron Hello, Leslie. Hello, April, Larry.
LLarry
Uh, it's Terry now.
OK. As luck would have it-
[Leslie is handed a report from a subordinate]
Just a second. Oh, did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell the northeast that we need to put pressure on them or else we're gonna be waiting forever and I'm tired of waiting on them, OK? [Leslie turns back to Ron] Sorry, this is a crazy day. So what's up with you, you big lug?
Nothing important. Just thought you might want to have lunch. Tomorrow?
I would love to! It's been too long! JJ's Diner, 12:30.
So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow and they need us in Washington to prep.
OK, get us the first flight out of here, grab the Missouri files, meet me at my car. [April hands Leslie her cell, with Ben on the line] Hey babe, I gotta go to Washington. Can you pick up the kids?
[cuts back to 2017]
Aw, oh no, Ron. I stood you up for lunch.
You did, yes. I waited for a while but it was pretty easy to figure out what had happened. Your life seemed pretty hectic.
Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? [Ron goes silent] You were going to ask me something. That's why you wanted to have lunch. Ron, you were going-?
I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just saying it out loud feels dirty.
You missed your friends and you wanted to come up to the third floor and work with us again. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you. God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I'm so sorry. I should have been a better friend to you.
Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a sentence that had already been written. My time in government work was over. Sure, I love shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside...
Your metaphors are so beautiful.
...but it was time for me to leave. And I didn't feel like explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we had, not giving you a heads up when my company took on the Morningstar development, when I bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had a good run here, but after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, I looked around this office, nothing was the same.
Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that.
[Leslie and Ron spend the rest of the night getting drunk, cleaning the office, and rearranging it to look as it was during their time there]
Parks and Recreation · 658 quotes
