Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ann

You're 20 minutes late, I almost left!

Leslie

Okay. I was uh, dropping my niece off.

Ann

What's your niece's name?

Leslie

Torple. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece...My niece's name is Stephanie?

Leslie

What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?

Ann

Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.

Leslie

They have happened. All of these have happened to me.

Leslie

Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.

Ann

You know what, just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me.

Leslie

Okay...I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry, my mind is blank.

Ann

Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.

Leslie

How big is it?

Ann

...Really!?

Leslie

Oh my God.

Ann

Sorry I had to get all medical on you but now you see that even if everything goes wrong, you'll survive.

Leslie

Well well well, you coy bastard.

Leslie

Hey can I smoke in here?

Ron

You don't smoke.

Leslie

Just asking if I can.

Ron

Are you high?

Leslie

I'm high on Kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.

Ron

That's right you never did ask me for permission did you? Well I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the City Manager and now this entire department is ka-screwed!

Leslie

...Ron I am so so so sorry!

Ron

What the ka-fuck were you thinking?

Leslie

[beep] Andy, it's Leslie, what did you mean when you said it's your only option? I think we should talk without lawyers present. If you want to meet just put a white chalk X on the mailbox across the street from city hall...or call me back. Just call me back!

Tom

Hmm that was weird.

Leslie

How long have you been there!?

Leslie

I promise that Andy isn't suing just for the money.

Ann

Leslie, the man lived in a pit. He couldn't find a place to live on the Earth's surface so he went under the ground. We're dealing with a grown man who thinks like a gopher.

Leslie

Greg Pikitis.

Greg

You're the parks lady right?

Leslie

Yeah that's right. I'm the parks lady, Leslie Knope and I'm here to tell you that this year, it ends.

Leslie

Ugh this kid makes me crazy. We got a history, Greg and I. He absolutely terrorizes the parks system. Every Halloween someone defaces the statue of Mayor Percy in Ramset Park! And I know it's Greg Pikitis! But I've never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond, supervillain, criminal mastermind.....Or maybe someone else is doing it but I really feel like it's this kid!

Leslie

Got the entire parks department watching you, my boyfriend's a cop. So don't even try it!

Greg

I don't know what you're talking about.

Leslie

Oh I think you do! It ends today Pikitis. It ends. To. Day.

Greg

Thanks for stopping by Leslie. You look great.

Leslie

Thank you...Ends today!

Leslie

Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg Pikitis' house to the statue.

Ann

That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.

Leslie

In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication.

Leslie

Ah William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors and a true hero. During the Pawnee bread factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.

Dave

Didn't like 30 people die in that fire?

Leslie

[sigh] He wasn't Superman.

Andy

He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on?

Leslie

No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just said?

Andy

...Yes.

Leslie

You see him, you stop him. Knock his head off if you have to.

Dave

Don't do that.

Leslie

Don't do that. But I give you permission to use excessive force.

Dave

Don't use excessive force.

Leslie

Don't go overboard, just stop him...by any means necessary.

Dave

Nope.

Leslie

No, just stop him.

Dave

We've been tailing that kid for a couple hours. It must've been somebody else.

Leslie

It was Pikitis. [shows Dave the peach pit] Believe me now?

Dave

That doesn't mean anything to me.

Leslie

This is a peach pit!

Dave

Okay.

Leslie

He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him! This is his ace of spades! This is his calling card! This is what he leaves all his victims. And it's still warm. Okay go and arrest him and send this to the lab!

Dave

We don't have a lab...

Greg

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Andy

Why don't you just shut up for a second!

Leslie

What's going on in here?

Andy

He's a jerk! He is being such a jerk! That's an awful thing to say to a human being!

Greg

Are you crying?

Andy

I AM NOT CRYING, OK?! I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!

Greg

Wait, how did you know I was in the parking lot all night?

Leslie

Because I followed you genius!

Greg

If you followed me all night, then you know that it wasn't me! Knope! What is your problem!?

Leslie

Look I have been very civil but I will waterboard you!

Dave

Leslie! What are you doing?

Leslie

Oh boy.

That's them officer! Right there!

Leslie

Oh my God! Oh no! I'm so sorry I think we have the wrong house!

Why are you doing this!?

Leslie

It's really hard to explain but we were trying to get revenge on this kid Greg Pikitis and we thought this was his house but I guess we got the address wrong!

I'm Greg's Mom.

Leslie

...You are?

Yes! ...Oh did he hire a fake mom again to get him out of trouble?

Leslie

What!?

Whenever he gets in trouble he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. That little SOB! Greg! Gregory!

Leslie

I knew it!

Dave

Oh my God!

Andy

Dude! That kid is amazing!