Dave quotes from Parks and Recreation

Dave

I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I didn't care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. ...I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Dave

Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, involved. We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I relocated to San Diego. Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement at that time.

Leslie

Ah William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors and a true hero. During the Pawnee bread factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.

Dave

Didn't like 30 people die in that fire?

Leslie

[sigh] He wasn't Superman.

Andy

He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on?

Leslie

No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just said?

Andy

...Yes.

Leslie

You see him, you stop him. Knock his head off if you have to.

Dave

Don't do that.

Leslie

Don't do that. But I give you permission to use excessive force.

Dave

Don't use excessive force.

Leslie

Don't go overboard, just stop him...by any means necessary.

Dave

Nope.

Leslie

No, just stop him.

Dave

We've been tailing that kid for a couple hours. It must've been somebody else.

Leslie

It was Pikitis. [shows Dave the peach pit] Believe me now?

Dave

That doesn't mean anything to me.

Leslie

This is a peach pit!

Dave

Okay.

Leslie

He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him! This is his ace of spades! This is his calling card! This is what he leaves all his victims. And it's still warm. Okay go and arrest him and send this to the lab!

Dave

We don't have a lab...

Dave

Leslie! What are you doing?

Leslie

Oh boy.

That's them officer! Right there!

Leslie

Oh my God! Oh no! I'm so sorry I think we have the wrong house!

Why are you doing this!?

Leslie

It's really hard to explain but we were trying to get revenge on this kid Greg Pikitis and we thought this was his house but I guess we got the address wrong!

I'm Greg's Mom.

Leslie

...You are?

Yes! ...Oh did he hire a fake mom again to get him out of trouble?

Leslie

What!?

Whenever he gets in trouble he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. That little SOB! Greg! Gregory!

Leslie

I knew it!

Dave

Oh my God!

Andy

Dude! That kid is amazing!

Leslie

How did you get into the parks department!? I have to know!

Greg

Maybe the FBI can figure it out.

Andy

Hahaha! I'm not even in the FBI! Stupid!

Greg

Wow. You're amazing.

Leslie

Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time.

Dave

He's not gonna go to jail you know, he's a minor.

Leslie

Well we'll let the jury decide.

Dave

There's not going to be a jury...

Leslie

Then the Judge will decide where he goes!

Dave

He's gonna do probation, he's a minor...

Leslie

Dave just let me have this!