Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

How did you get into the parks department!? I have to know!

Greg

Maybe the FBI can figure it out.

Andy

Hahaha! I'm not even in the FBI! Stupid!

Greg

Wow. You're amazing.

Leslie

Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time.

Dave

He's not gonna go to jail you know, he's a minor.

Leslie

Well we'll let the jury decide.

Dave

There's not going to be a jury...

Leslie

Then the Judge will decide where he goes!

Dave

He's gonna do probation, he's a minor...

Leslie

Dave just let me have this!

Leslie

News flash! We're screwed! We got a big problem with the library.

Tom

Punk ass book jockeys!

Ann

Wait why do we hate the library?

Leslie

The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them very dangerous.

Mark

The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson.

Leslie

Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean he hates her but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same?

Tom

Leslie. You're thinking out loud again.

Leslie

Am I? I am.

Ron

Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect! The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.

Leslie

I have to go talk to her and you need to give me something I can use. Does she have any weaknesses?

Ron

No.

Leslie

What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.

Ron

Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

Leslie

Hi I'm Leslie Knope, I called a little while ago.

Tammy Two

You have a lot of nerve showing your face here.

Leslie

Excuse me?

Tammy Two

You have overdue book fees totaling three dollars Missy.

Leslie

That is so typical! I should've known you'd use a low blow dirty pool BS move like that. That's why everybody hates the library! Here you know what here's your three dollars [throws a bunch of change on Tammy's desk] and I'll see you in Hell!

Leslie

I want it to be a perfect park with a state of the art swing set and basketball courts. Off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.

Tammy Two

Wow if I had a park like that when I was growing up I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase.

Leslie

Well that's...that's the goal Tammy.

Leslie

I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure. Look at Mark and me. We slept together, we talked about it, we're still friends.

Ron

You slept with Brendanawicz?

Leslie

...No!

Ron

We didn't talk. We made love.

Leslie

Oh my. Mmm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy—

Ron

It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began. You know what I mean?

Leslie

Yeah...

Ron

Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have...that. The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.

Leslie

This seems like a private matter, but I'm—

Ron

That woman really knows her way around a penis.

Ron

Why don't you take the rest of the day off?

Leslie

...

Ron

I mean you spend so much time worrying about this park but, really who cares?

Leslie

I care. I care a lot. That's kinda my thing. Remember?

Ron

But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a park or a museum or a mega-church.

Leslie

...Or a library.

Ron

...Nobody said library.

Leslie

Ron have you been talking to Tammy about the lot?

Ron

No, I swear on...a grave.

Leslie

Oh my God! Ron! Tell me the truth. Are you giving her the lot?

Ron

Not giving. We have discussed a trade.

Leslie

For what!?

Ron

[mumbles something]

Leslie

Excuse me?

Ron

...More sex.

Leslie

I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just using him to get Lot 48 for your library.

Tammy Two

Leslie that's crazy...and correct.

Leslie

Why are you doing this?

Tammy Two

Les there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra, or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra.

Leslie

[being interviewed] What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt!?

Tammy Two

Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department. You should come join us sometime.

Ron

You've gotta help me break up with her.

Leslie

I don't think I should get involved in this.

Ron

Oh now you don't want to get involved? "It's just coffee Ron!" "She's changed Ron!" "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends!"

Leslie

So would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over or would you rather wait outside?

Ron

In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.

Leslie

Here's the ground rules: Don't talk to her, do not make eye contact with her, don't believe anything she says. Just sit there like a potted plant. Can you do that?

Leslie

So Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end this relationship.

Tammy Two

Wait a minute, Ron brought you here to break up with me for him?

Ron

She volunteered.

Tammy Two

Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself around me like a coiled snake.

Ron

I'm sorry Leslie, she wins. I can't resist her.

Leslie

God Ron, you have to!

Tammy Two

Stay out of this! This is our relationship. He's my man. And we have something twisted and beautiful. Oh...You want Ron. That's what this is all about.

Leslie

No! That's insane! ...Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.

Tammy Two

Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and face.

Jerry

For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma—

Tom

You said "murinal!"

Jerry

No, I didn't.

Ann

Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it.

Jerry

Anyway, she—

April

Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?

Tom

Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.

Jerry

...Just wanted to show you my art...

Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!

Leslie

Disqualified!

Jerry

It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the town—

Tom

[from other room] No one cares! At all!