Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

You're crazy! This is over! Okay!? Pawnee does not need you and you should know that when you shook my hand earlier there was pee on my palms! ...That makes us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut Up! Stupid! Okay! Let's go Andy!

Leslie

We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity concert. And we're gonna need it too...if I'm gonna perform Islands In The Stream with a Sacagawea hologram...Plus, we need lights, generators, microphones, water, that boring stuff too.

Leslie

Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people but think of all the wonderful people who would benefit from a national park! And you can trust my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right and I have severe tunnel vision about achieving my goals.

Leslie

Councilman Dexhart represents this district, and ten years ago when he was elected, he promised to clean it up. Instead, he just gave it a fancy new name: Beachview Terrace. A more accurate name for this place? Medical Waste Butt-Sweat Grove.

Leslie

[muttering] A fucking library?

Hey park lady! You suck.

Leslie

Hear that? He called me park lady.

Leslie

Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?

Tom

Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.

Leslie

Pawnee has a gay bar?

Ron

Yeah, The Bulge.

...

Ron

It's behind my house.

Leslie

The Bulge is a gay bar? Ugh the nights I've wasted there...

April

This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.

Ben

Hey.

Leslie

Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation?

April

What do you mean?

Leslie

How does this work?

April

Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.

It's not that complicated.

Donna

Hey. Why are you all dolled up?

Leslie

Oh it's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I dunno. I guess they think I'm fabulous or something...

Donna

Well you look good girl. You gonna turn somebody tonight.

Leslie

Hahahahaha! [cut to Leslie being interviewed] That was hands down the best interaction I've ever had with Donna!

Ron

Have fun last night?

Leslie

I had three drinks named after me so that's pretty fun! Plus Ben and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday and we are gonna find out my actual bra size.

Ron

...

Leslie

I guess I'm kinda like Queen of the Gays!

Ron

Bully for you. I just got a phone call. They want you to go on Pawnee Today.

Leslie

Wow that's huge! What's the topic?

Ron

You. That Marcia Langman from the family thing is calling for your resignation.

Leslie

No!

Ron

You gotta go on and defend yourself.

Leslie

Why!? I haven't even officially taken a stand on gay marriage.

Ron

That's funny. Somebody just told me that you were Queen of the Gays.

Leslie

...That was me.

Joan Callamezzo

So Marcia what's all this fuss about?

Marcia

The fuss is that Miss Knope claimed that she was not advocating for this gay cause, and then that very night, she was the guest of honor at a pro-gay marriage rally at a bar called The Bulge.

Joan Callamezzo

Miss Knope, how do you respond?

Leslie

I'd first like to say that I wasn't trying to advocate for anyone. I did not know that both of the penguins were males, and I was just trying to perform a cute, fun ceremony to promote our local zoo.

Joan Callamezzo

I have to say that that stunt that you did with the penguins was clearly over the line. Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can Miss Knope do to make it right?

Marcia

Now Joan we don't want to be unreasonable.

Joan Callamezzo

Of course not.

Marcia

We think that she should separate the penguins, annul the marriage, reimburse the taxpayers for the cost of the wedding, of course, and then resign.

Leslie

[sarcastically] Oh! Is that it!? Anything else? You want me to jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri?

Marcia

Move to a different town! No, I kid.

Ann

And he looked up at me and he said "Thank you. You saved my life."

Leslie

Yeah...Hey listen I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night. Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants?

Ann

Yeah I wouldn't go with the cargo pant.

Leslie

What about like a sexy hat?

Ann

I don't know what that even is.

Leslie

Helping already!

Leslie

Hey while I have you, can I ask you a question?

Ann

Shoot!

Leslie

What if he asks me if I've been married?

Ann

Have you!?

Leslie

No.

Ann

Well then say that.

Leslie

But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is should I say that I have kids? Guys like girls that have kids right?

Ann

Whoa.

Leslie

What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?!

Ann

Okay you have a problem and this is how we're going to fix it-

Leslie

I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But let me tell you something Ann! It never works!

Ann

No No No. We are going to go to a restaurant and have a practice date. I will pretend to be Dave and you will practice on me.

Leslie

Ohhh! That's a way better idea!