Now that song that you've got, 'Boyfriend', it was inspired by a film about two lesbians?
I assume that the film was about them feeling ashamed of what they've done and that they'll never do it again?
[giggles] Obviously,yes,yes.
Good,good. And you're not a lesbian yourself, are you?
Umm no. Did you think so?
Phew. Well I was concerned.
We can't have lesbians on the show.
Oh good. You're not a uh.. [to audience] Are there any lesbians in the audience?
FA Female audience member
Yes!
Oh then you better leave! [points to the exit] Not tonight. We need a lesbian-free show. I don't even want a small one.. [laughs/snorts] Ah Jack Dee?
Tell us about that, what was in it, what did you find out, what did you discover?
I think the most shocking revelation was that most teenagers have absolutely no idea basically about STIs.
When I was a teenager, I had no idea about STIs. ..My god, I do now.
Does this.. sort of thing need to be in our living rooms? Does it? Really..?
Can you tell me what the #1 STI is, Simon?
As an employee of the BBC... (laughter) There is no need for me to be checked because I've never..had sex.
To be honest, in that outfit, I can see why. (Simon is wearing a bunny suit)
If this doesn't get me laid then I don't know what will. I'm adorable!
Do you feel closer now to the So Solid Crew or the cabin crew?
I honestly have no clue how to do that one.
It's great having you on the team.
Are you? [laughs] Well get out of your..weird bunny suit then.
Why don't you get out of your weird bunny suit?
But I'm not wearing a bunny suit.
Would you do other shows than this.. what about CelebArmy ?
Only if I could kick arse.
That would be nice, wouldn't it? You'd go to Afghanistan with Chico.
What time is it? It's War Time .
Kylie's looking quite hot for me. What do you think, Jack?
Doesn't have to be lesbianism.
People just didn't like the idea of you having sex there. Now why's that?
Yeah must be. OK then. Well, [grumpily] 'I hope you liked it'.
[trying to solve the line-up question then looks at Anna]
Don't blame it on me if it's wrong.
Don't pick up anything from Anna.
S22 22x08
With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus
With guests Davina McCall (Guest captain), Kelly Jones, Mitch Hewer and Alesha Dixon.
Correct. Alesha Dixon, "The Boy Does Nothing". Does he clean up?
A Alesha
No, he never cleans up.
Correct. Alesha Dixon, "The Boy Does Nothing". Does he brush up?
A Alesha
Never brushed up.
Correct. Alesha Dixon, "The Boy Does Nothing".
With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus
With guests Dermot O'Leary (Guest captain), Dappy, Robert Webb, Arlene Phillips and Keith Murray.
Before we start, I'd like to address something. Like all of you, I am deeply upset and probably traumatized by the bad language infecting television today. And I can't sit here any longer and let this potty mouth culture contaminate the nation. There was a time when we didn't rely on disgusting and offensive language. For example...[pulls out his kitten, Toby, to the amusement of the audience] ...take this innocent...[pauses to let the crowd laugh] ...yeah. Take this innocent, and naive kitten. He's called Toby. He's only 10 weeks old, and he likes being tickled on the tummy. [tickles kitten] Just like that. And if any of our guests swear tonight, I am going to have murder Toby! [lets crowd laugh while he places Toby under the desk while Phill makes a face] It's for the best. And firmly biting his tongue for the good of the nation tonight, it's our guest captain, ITV filth monger, Dermot O'Leary! [applause]
Those are the teams, by Jove I've just defecated in my trousers.
What are you talking about? Do you do it all in that funny voice just to wind up the contestants?
I've got a minute and a half to think of what I'm going to say, and then it all just comes burbling out.
Just.. anything that I read in the newspaper that morning that might have--
It's nice that you keep it topical. "Your dancing was like terrorism."
‹ Previous Page 3 of 5
Next ›
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
