Never Mind the Buzzcocks Season 22 quotes

Simon

There is bad news. The ratings are not as high as we would like them to be, it's pretty serious, the team and I have had a long chat about it, and you know what? We're not going to pull any contrived, attention-grabbing stunts to boost the ratings tonight. No! We are sticking to the same award-winning quiz format that we all know and love. Right people? [Audience replies, "Yeah!"] OK. By the way, Phill, did you move that leaking gas canister away from the naked flame under your desk?

Phill

No, but I'm sure it'll be alright Simon.

Simon

Good, OK, I'm sure it won't go off, not when the cameras are rolling.

Simon

By the way, Phill, want happened to the Eastern European Loansharks you were having trouble with? Are they still on your back?

Phill

Oh no, they're all sorted out Simon, they shouldn't be any trouble at all.

Simon

Oh good good. I'm sure they won't bother you any time soon, certainly not during a televised show record.

Phill

I imagine not.

Simon

I just thought Phill. Did anyone ... um ... sort out that massive anvil hanging above your head?

Phill

Actually they didn't, no, which seems a bit foolish because it is now hanging by one thread...

Simon

Oh. But it's been up there for all these years, it's not going to fall down now, not in the middle of this show.

Phill

It wouldn't fall down, no.

Simon

This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks and do join us -

Simon

Oh no! [Runs across to Phill, who is lying on the floor unconcious] Phill! Phill! Don't leave Phill! [Looks up to the ceiling] WHY?

Simon

[voiceover] Well, after the triple drama of the Eastern Europian Loansharks, gas explosion and falling anvil, will Phill survive? Tune in to Never Mind the Buzzcocks next week at 9pm on BBC2 to find out. Oh, go on. Please!

Simon

Thanks, hi! Hello, and welcome to the show! Well, look. We're almost halfway through the run, and the data has just come back from our market and research team. The word is this series is only slightly worse than the last one! What about that, people! [applause] Only slightly worse! Good news! But to avoid further decline, because there could be further decline, we've had Britain's finest minds working through the night to come up with a solid rescue plan, and here it is.

Simon

That should do it, right?

2 looks like he's going to kill me! I haven't even said anything! What's wrong?

Simon

I think he thinks you dissed public transport!

Simon

Why did you leave Australia, Germaine?

If it was anything like So Solid, we've got banned for abs- for absolutely.. OK, yeah we did do bad themes but..y'know-

Phill

When you said 'we', which one of the nine hundred..and twenty members of So Solid Crew?

No, we was banned from playing certain shows..in certain places..

Phill

You said So Solid was banned from this very building earlier. How did you get in..-

Oh yeahh! On Top of The Pops days 'cos they were smoking the good stuff.

Simon

Or as we call here at the BBC; the illegal stuff.

Simon

We're all just gonna have a nice pop quiz tonight. There's a question... what's the answer?

Phill

Was it like, 'Would you like some nuts, madam?' 'No thanks', (making his right hand as a gun) 'I SAID D'YOU WANT SOME NUTS!? D'YOU SOME NUTS!? BITCH! D'YOU WANT SOME NUTS!?'

No, it was more like, it was more like (loud and high pitched) "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!?"

So you've been on Ryanair...

You can't intimidate a heckler in a bunny suit. Try it; You're shit! Get off!

Simon

[high-pitched voice] I'm a rabbit!

I don't care! You're still shit, and you're a shit rabbit!

Simon

[high-pitched voice] Stop saying shit!

See? you can't intimidate me, can you?

Simon

[high-pitched voice] No...