Never Mind the Buzzcocks · Season 20
[Talking about spooning]
There's a DJ Spoony on Radio One..
There is...who's the last one on at night?
Westwood.
Go to bed with Westwood, wake up with Moyles!
Waking up with Moyles? Ugh!
He's no spoon, is he?
No.
He's a shovel!
Hello...Donny's put sunglasses on. That'll tell Thatcher!
D'you want a go?
[Simon puts the glasses on]
And now what you need to do is give it a little bit of that. [Makes strange gesture]
: [Does the gesture] And now I'm cool...
You know you'd be quite happy at home on the streets
Yeah...
Though not that many people'd take pity on you...'cause you're pretty ugly.
Oooh!
[To Donny] I should explain: Bill is a professional comedian... [Pause as Simon tries to contain his amusement at Donny's stupidity] you won't win!
[Donny tells a bad joke and the audience groans]
Oh for fuck's sake...not very sharp are you?
Yeah, it was definitely their fault.
[After watching a video of Donny shouting]
I like the way that you had all that aggression, and then at the end you just sat down and crossed your legs...
I don't understand. Did he suggest that you couldn't dick on the Sex Pistols? I think, I think you can dick on them.
Well, I've got a dick...I'm here...
He has got a dick and he's here...I think that's the best we can hope for tonight.
[to Philip] By the way, I watched that Hollyoaks: In the City last night, and it was incredible! Imagine Hollyoaks... but EVEN WORSE! You were the best actor in it though...
Thank you.
...which is almost a compliment.
Thank you again!
I watched it last night, and I thought "no problem, you're on the show" I'll watch it, half an hour, fine... LASTS AN HOUR! I'm sat there, I'll never get that time back again!
Have you got an answer?
You know what, I'm gonna take his answer. I don't know what it'll be, but none of us do!
I can't even remember the question.
Why did Prince end up in court over some purple paint? Your best guess, now!
....Because his helmet turned blue?
Because, Simon... his helmet turned blue. Bring in the points, bitch! In the bag.
His helmet turned blue. [turns to camera, deliberately] You're wrong.
The only reason I'm on the show is 'cause you told everyone you fancied me, dude!
It's not, it's 'cause we have difficulty booking people.
[Simon is showing Philip's calendar full of risqué shots]
Are you at all upset, you know, when you saw the calendar...it was just pictures and none of your teachings?
Donny just called me 'Anstis'. You know I'm not Toby Anstis, don't you?
I thought your name was Anstis?
Amstell... but you know it doesn't matter, I'll go with-
Amstell's a beer!
Yes!
I like beer.
And I like you...
[Talking about a member of the identity parade]
Number five's not really been given a fair chance, has he? He's been given dungarees and a perm.
The international symbol of inbreeding.
How dare you!
My shades!
When he goes, you can have them back. Is that all right, do you want them back now? Are you gonna 'cause some sort of riot?!
I like the authentic punk dance. That is like a child dizzy on lemonade.
[Reading Next Lines]
"I am an Antichrist, I am an anarchist..."?
"I is -"
I am the walrus?
"I is I am the walrus," yes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
