A character in Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Played by Phill Jupitus
Never Mind the Buzzcocks · 480 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Never Mind the Buzzcocks: in 75 of its 480 quotes
Most scenes with: Simon (38), Bill (12), Mark Lamarr (10)
No, we was banned from playing certain shows..in certain places..
PhillYou said So Solid was banned from this very building earlier. How did you get in..-
Oh yeahh! On Top of The Pops days 'cos they were smoking the good stuff.
Or as we call here at the BBC; the illegal stuff.
PhillWas it like, 'Would you like some nuts, madam?' 'No thanks', (making his right hand as a gun) 'I SAID D'YOU WANT SOME NUTS!? D'YOU SOME NUTS!? BITCH! D'YOU WANT SOME NUTS!?'
No, it was more like, it was more like (loud and high pitched) "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!?"
So you've been on Ryanair...
PhillHeston, do you listen to much contemporary pop music?
Or do you eat it?
[after Paloma has sang an excerpt of her song Stone Cold Sober upon James' request]
I'm slighty in love with Paloma!
PhillNoel, when you're giving the loving look to Paloma, can you make sure you give it to her? Because I just got a flash of it then. Got a flash of it myself and I started ovulating!
[during a game of Next Lines]
One for the money and the free rides...
Phill...two for the go-karts and the windmills!
[during a game of Next Lines]
They call me her. They call me Jane...
Phill...they call me Trixie! They call me Penny! They call me Angela! They call me Sue!
I thought that he put his genitals on a guy's head, cos the guy was a... He was a bouncer at a show, and he was standing in the front, and Marilyn Manson was performing, and he took his pants off and just stuck his wee on the guy's head...
Stuck his what?
Wee, isn't that what you say? His willy...
PhillYeah, an entire video game system on the guy's head!
PhillExcuse me?
A wallaroo and a goat...
PhillIs that some mythical Welsh creature?
I've got no idea, I'm guessing.
PhillWHAT KIND OF A HOST ARE YOU!?
I don't know, it doesn't say...
How did it get him in trouble then?
Well that's sort of the question I'm asking you lot!
Well, that's no good, is it?
A bit of a clue to get the band - you need these to put on glasses.
I'm sorry, you're so Welsh I didn't understand a word of that! What, hands?
No, close...
Ears...
Close. Go on, what else do you need to put on glasses?
What do you mean? Ears or hands, there's nothing else you need.
Yes there is!
Well let's go through the process... (Phill repeatedly takes off his glasses and puts them back on, emphasizing the elbows)
Elbow joints, elbow joints...
I can do, look, hands, arms...
Right, you try it, try it only using your hands and your ears then.
PhillThis doesn't work! (Phill raises his arms with his glasses in his hands, not bending his elbows) Because...?
Depth of perception? Alright, so hands, and arms and muscular structure within the body? I hate this quiz! (Phill blows a handheld fan into Greg's face)
Is that a normal size windmill? (Audience laughter and applause. Greg picks up the fan) Come on, what do you need to put your ruddy glasses on, you dick?
This better specifically be something you need to put your glasses on. I'm gonna come over there and twat you I swear to God!
Okay, I'm handing it over...
I think it's Elbow.
It is Elbow...
(incredulously) What!?
And you thought Gabby was retarded!
PhillTitle of the track?
Just name an Elbow song.
We don't know an Elbow song!
It was One Day Like This, and this is what it should've sounded like...
(The intro to "One Day Like This" by Elbow plays in. Phill slowly raises his arms with his glasses in his hands above his head.)
Check this out, Aston fans! When he came on X Factor last year with J-to-the-L-to-the-S...
PhillWas a panda!
Check this out, you've turned a little bling! Aston and Marvin, who's the tall good-looking one... (audience laughter)
What, me?
No, you and Marv. (some audience members go "Awww...") Well, you're the short good-looking one and Marvin's the tall good-looking one! And there's, you know, the other two guys, you know that... (audience, Dermot and Aston laugh) I'm so in trouble for that one! Okay... in August, Aston and Marvin racked up a £6000 bar bill, this is true...
Noo...
Yes it is, you must have been shit-faced!
No, well here's the thing right, you gotta think there's me and Marvin, and...
And lots and lots of girls...
And a panda. (audience laughter) I saw you getting driven home by a panda.
Russell once went for a jog with Dustin Hoffman around Central Park in New York.
Yeah, when I lived up in Upper West Side, he lived in this building called the San Reno, which is kinda rock-and-roll. I came out, and he was coming out of the San Reno building, and I kinda went over and I just said "Hey I saw the show last night". He said "What show's that?" I said "The History Boys", he said "Oh yeah, you had a funny line in it, you were the funniest guy in it", I said "Thank you very much!" And then we kind of went, like, running for a bit...
Hang on a minute, how did that happen?
He was in jogging attire, heading to Central Park...
Did you run after him? You were stalking him, and he went "oh, erm, look..."
Yeah, just hung outside!
PhillDid you dress up as a dentist and just follow him, going "is it safe? Is it safe?" (makes a noise like a dentists drill)
Michael Ball facts - check this out! You played Edna in Hairspray, you won the 2008 Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actor in a Musical...
Phill is doing it!
PhillYep, yep... (at the time, Phill alternated with Brian Conley in the role of Edna Turnblad in the West End production of Hairspray)
I went to see Phill in Hairspray on Saturday, and he makes a pretty good woman, I have to say!
PhillI make such a good woman I actually work the streets of Soho for two hours after the show!
Phill and Michael, here are your tunes for Russell... (gives the envelope to Michael) now before we go any further, if you two could just stand up... (Dermot walks towards Phill and Michael as they stand up) Okay, and that's Camera 1 over there, so I want you to turn to each other... (they do) And on my count of three, if you could look at Camera 1 in your best smouldering way, alright?
Smoulder?
Yep. In three, two, one...
PHILL JUPITUS AND MICHAEL BALL!
(Phill and Michael stare at the camera while standing toe to toe while the audience applauds and cheers)
Now you can begin.
You two are what I imagine John and Edward to be like in thirty years!
(Phill and Michael start acting like an older version of Jedward and start singing Ghostbusters in the style of Jedward. Audience laughter and applause)
Phill(bad Irish accent) Which one am I?
(bad Irish accent) The other one!
(to camera) For viewers watching in Ireland, I was nothing to do with that Irish impersonation!
(In Identity Parade, Noel's team have to identify Cheryl Baker of Bucks Fizz. The lineup are all wearing joke glasses with fake noses and moustaches)
That was Bucks Fizz with Making Your Mind Up;, so Noel's team, which of our lineup is the singer Cheryl Baker? Is it number one, Making Your Mind Up? Or number two, I've Made Me Mind Up? Number three, I Definitely Know Who It Is? Number four, I'm Having Second Thoughts? Or number five, Oh No It's Number Two? (Number two - the real Cheryl Baker - laughs)
Did you see? Two's laughing, it's number two, she's laughing.
What do you mean "it's number two, she's laughing"? You mean the one who looks like exactly like Cheryl Baker!?
Look, you can't see what we can see, it's like transsexual Frank Zappas, it's terrifying!
PhillPeople that haven't got HDTV look at the whole lineup and think The Nolans are back together.
They are! (Phill laughs)
I think it's number two...
(shouting) WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THINK IT'S NUMBER TWO!? IT'S NUMBER TWO! THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE CHERYL BAKER, THAT IN HIS INTRODUCTION TERRY SAID IT WAS!
Okay let's find out...
Whoa, whoa, wait a sec Terry! Easy!
For God's sake...
You know, we wanna make sure...
I've got the authority of a seven year old girl! This is ridiculous! Edith's useless, (to Imelda) you're dressed as a ladybird, (to Terry) it's number two!
Number two... Will the real Cheryl Baker please step forward? (Cheryl Baker - number two - steps forward and takes off her fake glasses to cheers and applause) It's number two! Now touring with The Original Bucks Fizz, Cheryl Baker, ladies and gentlemen, Cheryl.
(during a playing of Next Lines)
"Ziggy play guitar..."
Oh not again! (laughter)
Phill(as David Bowie) It's "jamming good with Weird and Gilly".
You got it right, Edith! My goodness. Fantastic. It was "jamming good with Weird and Gilly", from David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust... the loveable... chap that he is...
PhillWas it really that bad an interview, Terry? Come on, tell us.
Yeah.
PhillWhat did he do, Terry? Show us on the puppet what David Bowie did to you. (laughter)
(to Phill) Sometimes you want to know a little bit too much. (Phill laughs) "He's the devil divine, I'm so glad that he's mine..."
(as Bowie) I don't know this one! (laughter)
"...'cause he's my big, bad, handsome man."
Yeah, of course. That's one of yours, Imelda.
...
"You're answering questions that have not yet been asked..."
(as Bowie) ...it was a shit interview, Terry! (laughter) Afterwards, you called me a prick! (laughter and applause as the end-of-round jingle plays)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
