Phill quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

Are we supposed to like Kate Nash? I haven't done this show for so long, I've forgotten who we're supposed to hate... I like her... is she on Facebook?

She must be.

Phill

Let's poke her and find out.

She's on, err, all of those... mybibble and, and bobble and swizzle and bizzle, what they called? She's on one of them.

Phill

She's been on Bizzle?

Who's that?

Are you on Myspace? Are you Myspaced up?

Yeah I'm on Myface.

My... Myface?

Myspace

Phill

Is Kate Nash on your face or not? I need to know?

I hate that, people who... like, nick your herbs out of your trolley. You're planning a really nice casserole, you got all the herbs, and somebody nicks the herbs out of your trolley. It's not theft, technically, cause you haven't paid for it.

Phill

Bill's next song... ooh, took my chives, took my chives, took my chives! Ooh took my chives!

Simon

George Bush claims that he has 'My Sharona' on his iPod, but mainly to drown out the screams of thousands of dead Iraqi children.

Phill

You're gonna need a bigger kitten.

I'm just bracing myself.

Phill

You comfy?

Yep.

Phill

Strap in.

I'm strapped in. Take me to musical heaven, Phill Jupitus! (audience laughter) Oh my God, I can't believe I've just said that!

Phill

Musical heaven I can't do, but I do know a Travelodge on the A127...

Simon

Now before we go any further, Mark Ronson, what did you do to Amy Winehouse? I met her before she met you, and all she ever dabbled with was a bit of jazz and boogie-woogie. Now, there's trumpets and drugs all over the place, it stinks of Ronson! That's all I'm saying.

I think trumpets and drugs have always gone hand-in-hand, it's nothing to do with me.

Drugs and trumpets always go...? Only someone with a big nose would snort cocaine through a trumpet! (under audience laughter and applause) That is a lot of suction!

Simon

If we can get back to Amy for just a moment, could you tell us if she's okay? Is everything all right?

I haven't really... I haven't really spoke to her...

Simon

Oh, you just leave her in a ditch after you've done with her? Is that what happens?

"Here's your album, call me next year." No.

Simon

I think we all believe she'll be all right. She'll be all right, right? Let's get back to the comedy show!

Phill

(to camera) Amy, this is your television! We love you!

(to camera) Come back to us, Amy!

Phill

(to camera) Amy! Put it down! Put it down, Amy! (starts gesturing to the camera)

(to camera, holding up a mug) Look, tea! Cup of tea! Piece of toast! Don't leave us with Dido!

Phill

Why do they always have to sit on their cars?

I just wish there's more of a uh kind of a modest rapper who'd be leaning up against a Smart Car.

Have you met my girlfriend?

Simon

Is she nice?

You would remember her.

Simon

Oh really? Is she quite a looker?

She's..18-foot..high..

She's got these crazy eyes.

Phill

9 of 'em.

Oh this is the right time to ask.

Doesn't he, Billy Bragg, doing some jail charity at the moment or something?

Simon

Guitars for people in jail.

Musical instruments..-

Phill

Banjos for paedos.

Yeah that's it. Bongos for psychos! We do a homeless one as well; AMPS for tramps!

Simon

(After Frankie incorrectly answered her own lyrics) "You think I'm crazy, I'm not I'm your baby", dance dance dance, money money money! [Puts down the card] Mamma Mia.

Here I go again.

Simon

No, I was looking for "Does it show again?". Mamma Mia.

Phill

Does it show again?

Simon

No, it was "Now I really know." Mamma Mia.

Phill

Here I go again?

Simon

No, it was "Even if I say". Mamma Mia.

Phill

Here I go again?

Simon

No, it was "Does it show again?" again.

Phill

[to Kelly] What do you think it is then?

I'm hoping it's horrific burns.

Simon

[exhales] Oh god, this is boring.

IT IS A SONG, NO ONE KNOWS. [about Nick] He doesn't know it! [To Phill] Did you know it?

Phill

[prentends to be a black woman] Naw I din't! I'm with herr! You come on here with yo jive-ass ssongs.. Woo!

Simon

There is bad news. The ratings are not as high as we would like them to be, it's pretty serious, the team and I have had a long chat about it, and you know what? We're not going to pull any contrived, attention-grabbing stunts to boost the ratings tonight. No! We are sticking to the same award-winning quiz format that we all know and love. Right people? [Audience replies, "Yeah!"] OK. By the way, Phill, did you move that leaking gas canister away from the naked flame under your desk?

Phill

No, but I'm sure it'll be alright Simon.

Simon

Good, OK, I'm sure it won't go off, not when the cameras are rolling.

Simon

By the way, Phill, want happened to the Eastern European Loansharks you were having trouble with? Are they still on your back?

Phill

Oh no, they're all sorted out Simon, they shouldn't be any trouble at all.

Simon

Oh good good. I'm sure they won't bother you any time soon, certainly not during a televised show record.

Phill

I imagine not.

Simon

I just thought Phill. Did anyone ... um ... sort out that massive anvil hanging above your head?

Phill

Actually they didn't, no, which seems a bit foolish because it is now hanging by one thread...

Simon

Oh. But it's been up there for all these years, it's not going to fall down now, not in the middle of this show.

Phill

It wouldn't fall down, no.

If it was anything like So Solid, we've got banned for abs- for absolutely.. OK, yeah we did do bad themes but..y'know-

Phill

When you said 'we', which one of the nine hundred..and twenty members of So Solid Crew?