Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 9
[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]
What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
[in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!
In due time, you'll know everything.
Well, maybe then it's too late!
Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.
[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]
Paul, you is a wahrwilf!
[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]
So it all comes to this?
The... thing that it comes to?
You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
Yes, we is.
But over my deadBODy. You hear me? I won't stand for it!
You is a jerk!
[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]
Chubby Ramone!
[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]
Werewolf?
No, I'm a squirrel monkey; OF COURSE I'm a werewolf, you...
[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]
Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.
[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]
Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...
We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU! Tusk!
Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...
Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...
Tusk!
High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...
Tusk!
Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!
I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...
Tusk!
Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...
And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...
In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...
One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...
We were merely freshmen!
Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! Tusk!
[Mike drops a ladder into Castle Forrester, where Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are having their breakfast]
I am entering the actual structure now. It appears to be a barn of some sort, or it... no, it's an eatery. It is an eatery. I will approach one of the patrons and attempt to gather information on my... whereabouts...
[Looking at the back of her cereal box] Brain Guy.
Yeah. [Summons a cannon which points at Mike]
Ahh! OK, I'll get back up and watch my movie, wh- ah... which is, uh, what again?
[Still reading the back of her cereal box] "Werewolf".
"Werewolf", right. Uh, Brain Guy, you wouldn't want to beam me back up, would you?
[Still reading the back of his cereal box] No.
Didn't think so, just checking. I'll... get back up and watch my... [Hastily climbs back up the ladder]
[Over a shot of the moon]
Oh, I ate too much - I am a full moon!
I am gonna hit you so hard...
[Host Segment Four. Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws]
It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore.
[holding a rag to his head] Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches!
Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- [notices Mike's new features] hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man!
Really?
Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god!
[while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look]
Wha- what?!
Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head!
[Mike does so] So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. [voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow] Hey! Wait a minute!
Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence.
Blech! Don't say essence!
Yeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm...
[choruses with Mike] Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said!
Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW!
Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel?
Well I feel thin...
Uh-huh.
...I have an intense love for bacon...
Oh yeah!
...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet.
Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great!
Man, I love us!
Yeah, me too!
[disgusted] If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! [leaves]
Yeah, whatever. So what else can I expect?
Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so...
Okay, good.
You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC-
Already have!
Great! [Commercial sign starts] Oop. [choruses with Mike] Well be right back!
Haha! What else?
Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines.
Ooh, good point! [chuckles]
[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]
They named every bee? This is gonna take forever...
[Slender British rock band The Birds (not the more famous Byrds) perform a song.]
[singing] Eight… miles… wrong!
. . .
Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.
[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.]
Hey, they're growing Bill the Cat!
[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub]
Morning, David.
Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
Oh, the usual.
9 A.M., why so late?
Make it a double, will you?
Alright, now we're in England.
Andy Capp: The Movie.
[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.]
Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
