Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 9
[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]
The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.
[cheering]
We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Guilty! Guilty!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Whoo! Yaaaay!
[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]
You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
So people are just balloons?
You know, this is almost as good as 2001... nails driven into your eyes!
[During another flashback sequence...]
We didn't like these scenes the first time!
. . .
[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]
No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago!
[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]
Chapman! Chapman!
You got any gum?
Where's Makonnen?
He's dead. Gone.
He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.
[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]
Now they'll never believe me...
[Unemotionally] I'll have to kill them all.
[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]
I don't know, you had him last! [laughs]
You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? [laughs]
[Mike enters.]
Hey, guys.
[screams] YAH!
Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
[chuckles] Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
Thank you!
[backpedaling] Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
[Mike finishes chuckling]
[sighs, defeated] Good one, Servo.
[gloating] Well, thank you! [chuckles]
[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]
Hey, I got something here!
It's Ron!
[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]
Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists!
. . .
It's a production of Road House in the Park.
. . .
And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant.
At the risk of sounding nuts...
I've replaced my toes with grapes.
[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]
No, wait! It's a gorilla!
[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]
...With a dog mask on!
[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]
I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting.
[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]
Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you?
You are married to me!
[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]
I'm actually working on something now.
Really? What's the subject matter?
You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all!
Heh, good one!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
