[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a Matryoshka doll.]
Nope! Not a princess.
She's got that healthy clown glow.
MMarfushka
Oh, no?
You are a queen!
In that you look like Freddie Mercury.
S8Jack Frost
[The Hunchback Fairy has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]
IIvan
Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry!
FFairy
Are you afraid?
IIvan
Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel!
MAMike [as Ivan]
...the flat part, anyway.
CCrow
So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out?
[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]
FSFrost's Voice
Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again.
CCrow
Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely!
[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]
RURandom Unknown Voice
Look who's here!
Thank you, Anonymous Voice!
. . .
[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]
CCrow
It's a three-pig open sleigh!
On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe!
[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]
It's…
It's…
CCrow
It's… a convention of Michael Palin imitators!
. . .
CCrow
It's the Seven Dwarves! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc.
[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]
HFHunchback Fairy
My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!
Well, maybe you should have diversified more!
CCrow
Ladies and... Gypsy! Michael Nelson IS... LORD OF THE DANCE!
Oh!... did the other one die?
CCrow
I dunno...
[after Mike finishes a display of dancing] Oh... Um, yaaay! Well, there's this sink I need to take a look at, so I'll just...
[The Stepmother forces Nastenka to knit outside in the night]
Here's a place where you can knit, Nastka, and you won't wake my darling, little Marfushka. The moon is out, there's plenty of light.
MAMike [as the Stepmother]
Chernobyl's on fire, it's great!
[As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]
CCrow
Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house.
[Pearl returns from dropping off the Space Children, finding Bobo and Brain Guy debating over which ape movie is better: Every Which Way But Loose or Any Which Way You Can ]
What the hell is going on here? Thinking Every Which Way But Loose is the best ape movie... what do you know about ape movies? The best ape movie- the best ape movie- ever is Dunston Checks In; end of story. [adresses the Satelite of Love, unaware Mike is behind her] Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits!
Uh, I'm right here.
Oh... [turns around to face Nelson] ...until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits!
[after telling Nastenka to knit socks outside] They better be done by the time the rooster crows, you hear me? Otherwise, I'll tear your braid off!
CCrow
[as Nastenka, singing] M is for the many times you beat me... O is for the other times you beat me...
[To prevent Ivan from killing a mother bear, Nastenka turns a bucket over his head. Father Mushroom then casts a spell. When the bucket is removed, Ivan has been turned in to a bear.]
IIvan
Nastenka!
It was her bucket full of Rogaine.
IIvan
What's the matter?
CACrow [as Ivan]
Am I un-bear-able?
[after Ivan realizes he was turned into a bear]
CCrow
[as Ivan] Damn it, Puck! This time you've gone too far!
IIvan
What did you do to me? What have you done, you witch?!
[as Ivan, crying and running off] Mommy!!
[as Ivan/Yogi] I have to go find a pic-a-nic basket!
Ivanushka!
CCrow
[as Nastenka] We have to register at Club Wed!
Ivan, I swear I didn't do anything to you!
IIvan
[angrily] I curse you! I curse you forever; you witch!
Tonight on a very special Grizzly Adams.
[as Nastenka] Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.