IIvan
[lamenting over the loon he shot which led him to Nastenka, after he has been turned into a bear] I killed you with an arrow, and you ruin me with a feather!
CCrow
[as Ivan] It's funny when you think about it!
S8Jack Frost
[after Ivan begs Father Mushroom to be told how to undo his curse]
FMFather Mushroom
Alright, listen; vagabound with the head of a bear: just look at yourself and ask...
[as Father Mushroom] Do I crap in the woods?
FMFather Mushroom
...how did you live? You see, you spent all your time boasting about yourself. You loved yourself; only yourself. You offended everyone else.
CCrow
Heed these words, Mike.
FMFather Mushroom
Consider Nastenka; you hurt her feelings.
IIvan
I hurt her feelings?!
FMFather Mushroom
You've never done a good deed, Ivan. Now here's what you must do, take my advice:
[as Father Mushroom] Shave!
CCrow
[as a crowd of people show up mocking Marfushka as she is stuck in a duck pond] And the Freelance Shame Squad is there!
[later the group returns and the camera focuses on a blond-haired boy in the crowd]
It's a young Mike Nelson!
[offended] Hey!
[Father Mushroom is seen observing Ivan from a distance]
Mushroom Guy is really starting to piss me off!
[the Hunchback Fairy offers to lead Ivan to Nastenka, as she pulls out a pig-shaped sled and enchants it]
FFairy
Foul is fair, and fair is foul...
[as sled] Oink, ma'am.
IIvan
What's that?
FFairy
Oh, a fast sleigh that glides through snow; fast, fast as the wind blows, moves by itself over the snow to the place where Nastenka lies. [throws the sled into the snow as it swiftly takes off with Ivan giving chase]
She left it in drive.
FFairy
[calling out to Ivan, chuckling] Look out for my sheepskin coat; it's almost new! Don't forget to bring it back to me!
CCrow
Bring it back to me... ha ha, that's great!
[Grandfather Frost appears and demonstrates his power by spreading snow and frost through the forest]
[as Grandfather Frost] Eat lead, spring!
CCrow
[as Grandfather Frost] I do frost, and I do it well.
[Ivan and Nastenka arrive and bow deeply to greet her family.]
CACrow [as Nastenka]
We spit on your doorstep!
Ptui!
CCrow
Ptui!
MAMike [as her hectored father]
Please take me with you, please, please...
I'd like you to meet...
SAServo [as Nastenka]
Uh, what's your name again?
Ivanushka, my fiance.
CACrow [as Ivan through a forced smile]
I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible.
[Marfushka confronts Grandfather Frost while lost in the woods]
MMarfushka
Bring on my fiancé, and give me a dowry; a great big dowry... [shoves Frost to the ground] ...and make it quick!
CCrow
[as Marfushka] You stuttering frosted freak!
FFrost
H-help!
[the bandits' cudgels Ivan threw into the air earlier in the movie come back down and hit the bandits on the head, as one of them lets out a genuinely pained groan after getting hit]
CCrow
Ooh! This isn't funny; he actually got hurt, Mike.
S8Riding with Death
[In the middle of a war, Observer ("Brain Guy") explains his nurse's uniform.]
My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite.
[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]
[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]
Universal, except for you, Ron.
CCrow
You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.
Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.
[As the title appears]
Hey, the Matthew Broderick story.
CCrow
And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas.
[During the opening credits]
Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?
. . .
CCrow
Starring rejects from Harry-O.
. . .
If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.
Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!
. . .
Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.
. . .
Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?
CCrow
Ah, that gooey LA sky.
Birds? Nope. All dead.
[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]
The world's most difficult math test.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.