Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 5
[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]
Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!
Crazy coming up in here...
...in my hallway here.
Only the good die young.
Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.
[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]
Draw, er... wait a sec!
[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork.]
[As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of Green Acres] Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!
Doo-doo, do-do-do! [scene switches to Cain aiming his gun] ...the hell?
[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]
[drunkenly] You got brown eyes...
[drunkenly] An' you got a neck.
. . .
Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers!
[The character of Mike Nelson has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in Deep 13.]
Here it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker
You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?
Well, here it comes, Joel -- Mitchell! It's a… super secret spy… uh, has a motorcycle… marooned in space… meets… Hercules… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole!
[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a disco beat.]
Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
Mitchell!
That Mitchell is one fat s--
Shut yo' mouth!
I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!
[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]
Ee-gah...
Shtemlo.
Watch out for snakes!
We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture...
Mitchell, will you stand up, please?
[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]
No salesmen at this entrance.
But I'm not a salesman! I'm the Chubby Blue Line!
[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]
Daryl Gates on his day off.
He's landed just short of the green.
Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!
[A kid on skateboard skates up to Mitchell's car where he's sitting.]
Hi.
Hi.
Are you the man from the insurance?
Nope.
He came last night.
Yeah?
My mother doesn't like you.
I don't like your mother.
Why not?
Why not?
No, why not?
No, why not?
Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Tonight on Crossfire.
Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
I'm not.
Well, I'm not.
You are.
Buzz off.
What?
What?
What did you say?
What you say?
Did you say something?
[Frustrated] AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
You say something?
You said buzz off.
You're lying through your teeth.
You're lying through your teeth.
Buzz off, huh?
Buzz off!
Buzz off, kid!!
[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]
Baby oil!
BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!
[vomiting noises]
Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel?
[In the soundtrack, Hoyt Axton continues to sing the theme song.]
My my my my Mitchell...
My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!
How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell?
Uh, by the quart.
[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]
[singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"
[Mitchell spends several minutes silently comitting some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]
Why did I do that?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
