Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 4
[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]
Meg's mad at me.
She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!
O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.
Put her down, Jerry Lee!
[Tom Stewart goes to check for Vi's body, only to find clumps of seaweed where she fell]
Oh, she turned into a Caesar salad.
Somebody kelp me! Ha-ha!
[as a ghostly head, after declaring to Tom that she threatens to expose him as a murderer] I told you already- no-one will ever have you but me!
Stop it, Vi!
Try me... [starts shouting] TOM STEWART KILLED ME! TOM STEWART KILLED ME!
[as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me; c'mon, everybody!
[as Vi] Tom Stewart killed me! Now just the ladies; join in!
[Tom wraps Vi's head in a sack and carries it outside while she still protests]
[as Tom] Let's go bowling. [drops the sack down the steps of their building]
[as Vi, tumbling down the steps] T-o-om Stewart ki-ill-ed m-e-e!
[exorting demands from Joel, who's hanging from the air ducts and begging for help] I wanna be taller than you, and more popular.
Hey, Tom, Crow, do you guys want to--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [She sees their disembodied heads and leaves screaming in horror]
Hey you guys? What in the world happened over there? I saw Gypsy running away like she'd seen a ghost or something.
[Joel and the Bots are left worn out by the film's bleak tone]
It's only a crappy movie by Bert I. Gordon he made to massage the marketplace!
Simply nurturing one's basest instincts and trying way too hard to be film noir!
[crying] Geez, Joel; I'm riding such a major bummer that I just spent a couple hours at Liqour Aisle talking to... Neil Young!
[imitating Vi] Joel Robinson killed us! Joel Robinson killed us!
[singing his own version of Joel and the Bots' "Happy Thoughts" song, unaware Dr. Forrester is listening in] ...And Mr. Dr. Clayton Forrester will switch trains at the trainyard and there will be a horrible accident, for which Dr. Forrester will be blamed- posthumously, of course; and then the robots and I will become really good friends and we'll be roommates with triple bunk-beds and stay up all night talking about really cool stuff... [Dr. Forrester drops a live hand grenade and proceeds to leave] ...and they'll think I'm really neat and I'll invite them over to my house- [notices grenade and starts panicking] -a-and we'll camp out... P-poopie!
[grenade explodes as the credits roll]
Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey.
Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there...
The Beatniks (movie)
Anything...
...Is better than this crap!
[Joel is aggressively playing Rock Paper Scissors with the bots]
Joel, I hope you're not playing too tough with those two.
No, ma'am!
[rushes in with a furious shriek and rams Joel] GYPSY CRUSHES JOEL! MY BABIES!
[bandaged up from Gypsy ramming into him] My achin' noggin...
Yeah, Well, serves you right for taking advantage of these little Charm-kins!
Oh yeah? well, you should ask these little "charmkins" what I found oozing out of my pillow case this morning!
Aw, you little baby, it could've been a lot worse!
Yeah, at least we killed him before we stuffed him in there.
Enough, you three! Freebie and the Bean are calling.
[Joel is reading a letter from a young viewer who tells them that his mother is making him write "I will not call my mom a dickweed"]
[reading] Before I start this auspicious task, I must ask in the interest of justice... is dickweed a swear word?
[at the same time] No/Yes! ...Yes/No? No... no.
Nope; dickweed isn't a swear word. it's clean. You're cool. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed."
[Gypsy suddenly slithers past Joel and Servo, screaming loudly. Crow then enters brandishing a knife]
Where'd she go man, where'd she go?!
Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy!
I did it for you, Eddie!
Oh great, he's on moon mode again...
That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you!
That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a hinder to speak of.
That's it, That's it! [Crow then "stabs" Servo who collapses on the table]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
