Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 13
[pouring out a thick liquid onto the ground] Beyond the barrier of heaven and earth, let it go free into a closed dwelling. May it cause it to enter.
The world has never seen such evil caramel.
Primum materialis...
Lorem ipsum!
Release this blood of the earth. May it find its place with the philosopher's stone.
Emily Now in America, that's sorcerer's stone.
Oh listen, I was curious about-
[Mordrid uses his medallion to freeze time and vanish]
Doctor Mordrid, sorcerer supreme, uses his incredible powers to escape awkward small talk.
[Mordrid opens a chest and begins browsing through scrolls]
Servo [as Mordrid] Let's see, Dead Sea Scrolls, exalted scrolls, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, yes!
[Samantha tries to open Mordrid's door, only to be burned by the doorknob]
One does not simply walk into Mordrid's.
[as she looks over Mordrid's collection of books] These volumes are amazing.
THANKS! I LIKE "LOUD" THE BEST!
[during an interrogation]
I have to tell you something.
I'm pregnant.
Show you something, so that you'll comprehend the magnitude of why I cannot be held here any longer.
Through the medium of dance.
Everything we say is being recorded.
We're live on Twitch. Thanks to Donkey Dan for the three month sub.
Oh look dude, the master protects me from your puny weapons! You ain't got- [Gaudio shoots him in the leg]
My jelly pants!
IT HURTS!
Call him an ambulance.
You're an ambulance, sir.
I can't believe Doctor Mordrid was a Christmas movie the whole time!
Well, okay, but it wasn't though.
But there was a Christmas tree in it.
Well a Christmas tree doesn't make it a Christmas movie. 101 Dalmatians has a Christmas tree in it.
Well, what if it takes place on Christmas, and has a Christmas tree in it?
Like Die Hard.
Okay, it doesn't matter. Look at the release date. Die Hard came out July 15th, 1988. It's a summer blockbuster, not a Christmas movie.
How do you know when Die Hard came out?
I have this discussion a lot.
So if it came out at any point other than the Christmas season, it's not a Christmas movie?
That's right.
What about Nightmare Before Christmas?
Well, released October 13th, obviously a Halloween movie.
Elf?
Well, released November 7th, an early Thanksgiving parable about found families and sugar consumption.
It's a Wonderful Life?
While, actually released on January 7th, it's a New Year's morality play about the evils of forgetfulness.
So according to Newton's third law of motion, any movie that comes out in the Christmas season is a Christmas movie?
Me and Newton are on the same page there.
Then Titanic is a Christmas movie!
Yep. And I'll die on this hill, and if the hill comes out in late December, I'll call it a Christmas hill.
Hey, Dr. Erhardt, I haven't seen you in several millenia. How's the mad biz treating you?
Oh, you know, Joel. It ebbs and flows. More of a hobby at this point.
I gotcha. Really glad to hear your voice caught up with you too. That shrill nagging tone you always had was really grating on the ears.
[shrill-voiced] It's a hormonal disorder, you little piece of sh-
GENTLEMEN!
Wait... who was that guy again?
I'll tell you later. Movie in the hole!
...I am about to use this thing for scrap. We need something that'll stay on more than ten minutes at a time.
Those things still cost money, right?
Thing's older than I am.
Still works harder.
Says the drunk guy.
As I keep saying, I would happily work hard at the job I thought I was hired for.
Well I thought I needed a jaded barista.
We settled this. You're lucky I even hired you.
It helped that I was the only applicant.
Ooh, another LinkedIn success story.
Now what can I do for you miss...
Fontaine. Delilah Fontaine.
Miss Fontaine.
Call me Lilah.
So, Karen...
Leslie...
Sandy...
Any relation to Charles Fontaine?
He's my father.
Let me stop you there.
Tony.
I don't do missing persons.
I think you'll find this particular case to be of interest.
Look lady, as much as I'd like to help you, I can't find your old man. It doesn't matter how many zeroes you put on the check.
Because Nick don't do math.
You really don't have to do this, Nick. I can get a hotel room.
I do this for all my clients.
Yes, I see them under your bed.
Well, you know. All my attractive, single clients.
Oh, I get it. You're a pig!
What are you going to do?
I just ate 14 dumplings. What do you think?
[during an interrogation of a vampire]
What's The Stranger planning?
Stranger Things?
Well, he has the dagger, so use your imagination.
Hmmm... dragons.
That's all I know. Now can I go?
Sure, do you need your parking validated?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
