Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

I've been asked to introduce this film, because I really am the advisor to a junior high bike club, and I really do teach traffic safety education full-time.

Prove it!

So I see the safety education problem from both viewpoints.

I'm conflicted.

Bicycles and autos can safely share the same road...

This bloody century long war must end!

... must know and follow the same rules of the road, accept the same driving responsibility, and respect each other's rights. That's what this film is all about.

That, and corn shucking.

Uh, we got a local yokel smokey in hot-pursuit of a hooligan, hot-doggin' it in Calhoun County.

May I see your operator's license today, sir?

License? Since when do I have to have a license to drive a bicycle?

Well it's not required that you have an operator's license, but I do need some form of identification.

My grandkids drew this, and wrote pop-pop on it. Does that work?

Jim, can you guarantee me you're not gonna ride this bike at night?

I can't even guarantee you I won't sell this for cigarettes.

On your birthday, you get to teabag every bike in the shop.

Hey Jim, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just going over my hand signals.

During a left turn at rush hour, he takes to the sidewalk, riding if it's legal, pushing if it's not.

Ditching it if it cramps his style.

I think one of those bike seats is my brother.

Jim, our new member is going to recite, what are the rules of the road?

Kill, or be killed.

To maintain a safe and orderly flow of traffic on our roads.

Why should you follow the rules of the road?

Because if I don't, I can't expect anybody else to.

Oh, you mean we always follow the rules of the road?

We try, but it isn't easy!

And when it's too hard, we give up!

Servo

Yes, keep guns away from food.

While Steve washes his hands, Cathy will get the silverware. Oops! She dropped a spoon.

Servo

Oops! She's fired.

[as the family gathers around the breakfast table] Now, Steve is ready for breakfast, and father too.

Back from his other family.

Father is also careful about the food he eats. The sausage looks good...

But the eggs look worse.

[as the father takes a bite of the sausage, but grimaces] But it doesn't taste right.

And Cathy's missing three fingers!

So, he won't eat anymore of the sausage, it may be spoiled.

Right, Cathy?

Often we can tell if foods are good to eat by smelling or tasting them.

Or simply by asking them.

You should never eat food if you're not sure they are safe.

Cathy, did you wash your fingers before we cooked them?

Washing dishes also helps us keep our food fresh and clean. To find out why, let's do an experiment with some leftover food on a plate. What do you suppose will happen if the food is not washed off?

Servo

It will get tattoos, and listen to punk music.

The best way to get dirt and germs off your hands is to wash and scrub them well.

Preferably, 'til bloody.

Use lots of soap, and get in between the fingers, on the back of the hands, and on the wrists too. Get them clean all over.

Servo

Where have those wrists been?

You don't wanna know.

Servo

It's quarantined Pac-Man!

No, Pac-Man! [Imitates the Pac-Man death sound]

Using straws sealed in paper wrappers helps to keep dirt and germs out of milk.

Plus, it'll kill all four turtles.