Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

Taxes.

Do you steal from every person you collect, or just us?

Are you going to give me the payment, or do you need... persuading?

I'm not giving you anything. I shall deliver my payment to Lord Rothford himself.

I don't think our lord visits many men in the dungeon. Arrest him!

Alright, certified public accountants, let's crunch some numbers!

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

[comes out of hiding] No!

File an extension!

[stops the fight] Alright! Alright. Enough.

Really? You were winning.

I'll get the money.

We can Airbnb our hut.

Just don't hurt her.

I wouldn't dream of hurting her. Not when I can get such a fair price for another child in the mines. Get them in the wagon! [the struggle resumes]

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

So, now I'm totally confused about Christmas.

Yeah, does this mean Rudolph can breathe fire?

Servo

And how does the magic crystal figure into the nativity story? Ugh, whoever interpreted the Dead Sea Scrolls really dropped the ball on this one.

Where's Garrett?

He decided to leave us and join a family of giraffes with his long neck and all. [sobs]

Good idea, Rand. You see? If we all work together, we can make it.

But not if we keep throwing all our food in the water.

What do you think you're going to catch?

Servo

Lyme disease.

[singing] Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!

Disney's Jungle Cruise claims another five souls.

Servo

Drinking age, 21. Life expectancy, 16. So unfair.

Be vewy vewy qwuiet. We don't have a permit to film here. Huhuhuh.

Servo

It's the look of Spielbergian awe you can only get by staring lovingly at a tennis ball taped to a stick on a Toronto sound stage.

[to the dragon] Stay off that wing.

[the dragon nods] Alright, mom.

Even though it's healing fast, no flying. You need your rest.

And if DreamWorks lawyers come, we were never here.

Don't worry...

I left money for pizza.

You've created a sacred bond with her. You two will always be able to find one another.

Thanks to social media.

Third wheel alert.

We're going north. Catch up with us when you can.

I get it. You guys can't afford to put me in the next couple scenes, can you?

Come on, let's give these kids something to talk to their therapist about.

Oh man, guys look, they sleighed the dragon.

Joel

Oh, that's neat.

Oh, come on, Emily...

The spirit of the yuletide! Faster, Santa! KILL! KILL!

Eat tinsel, bastards!

Alright, now let's turn around and finish them off! We'll go after their families, and to all a goodnight!

Ho ho ho!

It feels like we're moving!

Well let's make it count boys, let's do the theme song!

Which one? There's like 12.

Joel

Uh, I only know the lyrics to Mike's.

That's an asteroid!

Joel

That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!

Joel

Hey, Crow.

Yes, Joel Hodgson?

Joel

I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.

You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?

Joel

It was on 8-track.