Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

Papa, is that you???

Oh no, hey now Crow, easy. It's not.

Papa, you wanna have a catch?

Hey, it's not your dad, okay?

Jonah, you're not my REAL dad!

Tom Servo

[after a model tank is destroyed] There goes the entire practical effect budget.

Rooney, you must have grown up in old California with too much sun. Let me ask you a question. Was your daddy rich and your mama good looking?

You're cruising for a court martial, buster boy.

That's buster bro!

I hope he gets his balls shot off.

So say we all.

You know, we're robot men, Captain. What are we doing out here in a grit and grime where people can blow our ass away? We're supposed to be indestructible!

You know, like the Titanic, or the seal industry, or Gamestop stocks, or Beanie Babies, or America's love for James Corden!

So who are we rooting for?

Oh, whoever makes the kill shot that ends the movie.

[at the sight of a building labeled "Oasis"] Anyway, here's "Wonderwall."

Stumpy, get out of there, you're a sitting duck!

Just keep that override down!!!

Yeah, and maximize the wiffle hoofer, and triangular the single framler and coagulate the preflamer!!!

And lo, did the white people flee into the desert, soon to create Scottsdale, Arizona.

Can't believe I'm really on the dark side of the moon.

Well, as a matter of fact, it's all dark.

Well, the stimulator bots have already absorbed the behavior of Jonah's bots within seconds.

Servo

And your point?

That's not gonna be problematic...

I'll tell you what's problematic, your soul's gonna get crushed within seconds!

I'm used to it, I'm on Twitter.

Servo

My friend, Ja Rule told me that Fyre Fest would be here.

Oh, she can finally clean that fan.

Feast your eyes on this.

Servo

Anything to take our eyes off of that.

That's a Tuscarora!

No, that's a pearl.

It's worth a thousand pesos, maybe more. Where'd you get it?

From a wet scared guy.

Can you fence it?

Fence? Hell, it'll go like wildfire! These are rare, I haven't seen one in years.

There's a lot more where that came from.

Servo

I got a guy shoving sand into oysters as we speak.

I'll supply, you deal, we'll split down the middle.

Splitting it? That's almost like half!

[shaking East Eddie's hand] Put 'er there, pard!

You got it, 'ner!

Eddie, you got money, and I'm a diver. Now all we need's a boat and some good equipment. You can pick 'em up for a song. Just give me a small advance, I can have us moving in a couple of days.

Uh, is she washing him with a chicken cutlet?

Listen, I know where you're coming from, and the idea's out of sight, but I want Vic Mathias in on this. He's an expert diver, he has his own boat, and he knows the islands like the back of his hand.

It's no good, it won't work. If we bring him in, we've got to make it a three-way scene.

So we'll split it three ways!

Ugh, but we're a dynamic duo, not a terrific trio!

No, we don't need him!

I want him! He'll keep us honest.

What are we, crooks?

Eddie, believe me, I know the region better than Mathias. I lived on the islands for five years, I've covered every inch of 'em. We can do it alone! Just tell me where you found them. It's probably an island I used to live on.

[hysterical] You can't live on an island! It's surrounded by WATER! How would you even get there??? HA HA HA!!!

Wait a minute, how am I sitting across from me?