Jonah quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Hey, she's looking right at us!

Yeah! You're freaking us out, lady! Stop it!

Servo

And look at how she's behaving, like we're the jerks.

Yeah!

Servo

No, you back off!

It's like if you... blew 'em apart...

You know, like, ba-boom?

All those little pieces, in time, would come back together again...

Here's the church, here's the steeple...

[suddenly appearing in the shot] Bye Daddy!

Whoops, were you there the whole time, baby?

You be a good girl for Mommy now, okay?

I will, Daddy.

Alright, I'll see you tomorrow.

Bargain-bin Mark Hamill's gotta get his make out on!

[coming downstairs] Hey, Dad.

Norm!

[on the phone] Well how long do you think it would take to fix it?

A half-hour, sir. It's just a pizza.

No no- what toppings do you need on the- [Richard hangs up]

[as officers inspect their boat] I guess you want to see our licenses again? You've seen it every day this week.

But this time, it's different.

It's my birthday.

You can say that again.

It's my birthday.

This time we got the jackpot.

We caught us a money shark! Check it out!

[holding up a catch of fish] Eh?

Servo

Finding Nemo my ass, right. We caught the sucker and his whole crummy family!

You have got a lot of nerve. Telling a man who has had a heart attack that he's lucky to have stopped working. He's lucky to be alive.

He's a miracle!

But he looks pretty healthy.

Must be that lady friend of his. I have a feeling she's extremely efficacious. [snickers]

Ugh. I wonder how they spelled "nyahuhuhuh" in the script.

[as Diller opens a book, only to have it taken away by Kate] Ah ah ah, much too heavy for a man in your delicate condition.

Oh man, nothing turns a guy on more than a lady implying he's too delicate to lift a book.

Servo

Whoa, he almost landed on Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed!

It's especially humiliating because he had so much dignity in the first place.

I should have stayed a 98-pound weakling.

Curse this final form!

Where have you two been?

In the shower.

Ish that shupposhed to be shome kind of euphemishm?

[playing backgammon] I was showing Gabrielle some basic moves.

Servo

Lathering, rinsing, repeating...

Looks to me more like you're trying to keep them a secret. Leaving blots at this particular stage of the game, my dear, can be a very reckless proposition. Unless, of course, one knows how to turn them to one's own advantage.

Maybe I should take a lesson from you.

In the shower?

Here, you two play. Go ahead.

In the shower? Tom, you take the next one.

No no, leave them just as they are. I'll pick up where she left off.

Servo

In the SHOWER???

[as a man gets eaten alive in the water by a swarm of piranhas] Who's ready for borscht? I put sour cream in separate containers so you can dollop it out yourselves!

Ugh, not now, M Waverly.

[utilizing a model wooden cutout model of the film's characters] Okay boys, we need to figure out a way to get them over here, using only this.

Servo

Jonah, are we really doing an Apollo 13 bit? It's 23 years old.

We don't have time for questions! Irritating lives are on the line!

It's like a logic puzzle where you cross a river with a fox, a chicken, and a bag of grain.

Servo

Why not just leave the fox? Is there any situation where you'd need a fox?

My point is, it's all about the order you do things in! You can't just send Kate and Paul, 'cause they'll just run away with the jewels.

Servo

Hmm, and you can't send Paul with Lasky because they'll just fight.

Lasky and Gabrielle get along too well. Halfway to shore, spontaneous shower.

Exactly.

Servo

And we're not even ready to address the Ollie conundrum.

And they can't all fit on the raft, unless... they are the raft!

Servo

Ohhh!

Ann and Gabrielle are the oars!

Kate's hair is the sail!

Servo

Lasky is the floor, Paul's the steering wheel!

Exactly! And Ollie...

Guys, we all knew Ollie wasn't making it out of this.

Servo

Yeah.

Yeah that's a good point...

You think this blood could buy us enough time to get down to that raft?

[chuckling] That's all we've got. Let's try it.

Hey, you're not really gonna go into that water, are you?

Servo

Oh, sorry! That was me! Left my Stouffer's lasagna in the oven too long.

Somebody call for a Stouffer's lasagna?

No, but thanks, Growler.

Well, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go over there, lay this thing across my torso, and pretend I suffered a bear attack. Goodbye.

What?

My brother-in-law took down a 12-point buck last winter, so I made this blood sausage. Anybody want some?

Oh, you're disgusting!

Servo

That's just gross! Come on.

Come on Growler!

Okay, suit yourself. I'll be over here.

At this point, I'm just stress-eating!

Servo

Kids, this is what happens if you fall in during the Jungle Cruise at Universal Studios.

Why hasn't David Blaine tried this?