Jonah quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

I do not expect anyone to believe the story I'm about to relate.

So never mind.

Prepare to surface.

Jawohl, Kapitän.

Ugh, the realtor described this place as cozy.

Up periscope.

Up periscope!

Klaus, stop copying me. Jeez, every time...

Guys, what is my rule? If you're going to use my periscope, you had to wipe it off after. Come on!

This kaleidoscope sucks. There's no colors.

Thick fog. Perfect cover for us. Down periscope.

Down periscope!

Klaus, what did I just talk to you about?!

Sorry, mein Kapitän.

Both engines full ahead.

Both engines full ahead!

Klaus!

Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area.

Servo

He said "area".

And we should rendezvous within the hour.

Or the pizza's free.

And you, Commander will be transferred to her, and shot as a pirate.

Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrrrgh"?

Nope.

Someday the whole show will be like this.

Are we there yet?

Please don't.

Are we there yet?

Crow, stop!

Are we there yet?

Crow, I swear, I will turn this movie RIGHT AROUND!

[as Hercules struggles to pick up a log] Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, this is heavier than I thought! Okay, coming through! [grunt] Man carrying entire tree! Look out! Oooh, this is heavy. Oooh this hurts! Oooh, I didn't anticipate this!

Why is she standing behind a giant napkin?

Servo

Ooooh...

Oh, it's hanky panky.

Hey hey hey hey, Servo get down from there! Crow, get over here!

Servo

Yeah, there's the robe. Forget it.

How was it though?

Terrible. She wasn't even wearing any underwear.

Servo

Buffering.

Processing.

Compiling.

What?

Download complete.

Servo

Buffering.

Processing.

Compiling.

But then you-

Download complete.

Servo

He seems to have ridden into some kind of promotion for Mountain Dew Mist.

See that pink smoke? Nowadays, all this would just be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and steril.

Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest.

Right.

How do you get pink smoke?

Servo

That's easy, you crash a Mary Kay cosmetics car.

Okay, Mickey, let's try this again. As you know, we've only got one Hydra, so please don't damage it. Remember, we're doing pickup shots with the extra tomorrow. If you must stab it, only use the marked plunge points, and the rest of the time, only light taps please, with the flat side of the sword like we discussed. Thank you.

I feel like I'm watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios.

I think I know what's going on. Come on out.

Who are you talking to?

Come on out of there, Icho!

Wait, his name is Icho, and he makes people itch? Glad his name isn't Poo-O.

Okay, Gypsy...

[when the bride wakes him up] Huh. I must have dozed.

Servo

This is all part of his elaborate love play.

Boy, I’m really tired tonight.

You can sleep afterward.

After what, Jonah?

D- Don’t worry about it.

Okay.

You’re not going to be a nagging wife now, are you, my dear?

That’s not what I’m into.

I bore you already. Looks like our marriage is doomed.

No.

Yes..

That happens whenever I get married.

Servo

“Whenever???”

Hey, sweetheart...

Hey, you think we can tell each other our names now?

We got movie sign!

Oh, that was...

Whoops, that was embarrassing!

Yeah, sorry about that.

Oh this is it, the big one's hitting! [freaking out] Gypsy, initiate panic mode!

[dropping down] Guys, settle down, it's not even a convincing earthquake scene! Looks like your weird uncle's train set!

Please don't go, Ilo.

Don't you worry. I have to go. I'll be alright.

I'll go too.

Death and destruction are my jam. Whee!

Icho! Icho! No, come back, please!

You suck, and this place sucks, and I'm leaving!

Please Lord, make the jukebox play my song before Yongary crushes us.

I'm just amazed at how much beer is in that bottle. It's still going!