Jonah quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun.

It's old Big Mike!

Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead.

What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails.

Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love.

Maybe I'll laugh later.

I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their Seinfeld.

Servo

[Paul begins laughing] It's funny!

Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for Two and A Half Men?

[grabbing Paul] Do I have to tie you up?!

You're nothing but a dumb Indian!

WHOA!

Red Hawk! Is that you?

You remember me, don't you?

You died thirteen years ago. I saw you sealed up in a cave.

Well, Happy Easter.

I was. After seven days, I had a vision. All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got up, broke out of the cave. I've been here since, with my friends. [beckons to the animals around him]

I'm not his friend. I'm not indigenous to the area. Call the police!

Servo

Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um... and-groin?

"And-groin"? Did you just make that word up?

Servo

I had to come up with something. We burned through the words "area" and "crotch".

Here comes another one. Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera. Thank you. Disgusting!

[holding a tray of android eyeballs] Holy McKee! I thought I was giving her the eye!

[sigh] You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny.

Servo

Yeah, Danny. You really think she needed help moving a tray of eyeballs three feet? These are warning signs, man! Wake up!

Servo

Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow!

Hah!

Hey...

Servo

Wooden crates stuffed with straw... of the future!

Hobo bedding... of the future!

The insides of scarecrows... of the future!

Servo

Practical dynamite storage... of the future!

Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material... of the future!

Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of Jerry Maguire... also of the future!

You are pronouncing our death sentence.

You dickweed!

I don't enjoy doing it.

You resented us from the beginning!

I have, but that is not why I'm doing this. I...

Line!

We must consider the greater good!

The greater good...

Oh no, the universe lost reception!

The producer wishes to acknowledge that this movie was not all that good.

Servo

I doubt those businesses want to be associated with this movie at all.

New World Pictures presents...

The Illuminati made a movie? Huh.

Servo

Yeah, and they're so open about it.

It's terrific to see you.

Even in that color palette.

The two of you together...

And I'm not forgetting you, Danny from the last movie.

[breathless] In case you haven't noticed... not only... are we out-of-doors... and knee-deep... in snow... but we are... also... going uphill!

Cut! Take 15, do it again!

Servo

Do you think she understands she's trapped under the ice? Oooh, let's watch.

Oh, hi there.

Oh, she's in a heated pool.

Actually the safest place to be in an avalanche.

Servo

Camera guy is drowning, don't mind him.

Uh, we made way too many of these? No one seems to want 'em, they look awful, but they taste okay. We're just giving them away for free now, seriously try one. Anybody? Please?

[as one waiter carries a torched baked Alaska up to a balcony] Screw it. We're just gonna torch them all, and throw them off the balcony. What's the difference? Who's making these things anyway? It's ridiculous.

Thank you for agreeing to take one of these. They really smell. We're sorry.

Oh, yuck! Marshmallows, grilled oysters, cherry tomatoes, and butter??? Oh...

You know what this movie is missing?

Name tags.