Narrator quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

In the beginning, there was chaos...

Run by Bernie Kopell.

Oh, and then God showed up.

And a voice said, "Let there be light."

Joel

Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these.

And the dark was separated from the light.

And permanent press was separated from cottons.

There was created, the waters and the land.

And Charlton Heston. ConTel.

And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit.

Servo

Frogs.

Joel

Oh, this is Fantasia before they colorized it.

[lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen] The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied.

They all look like Orphan Annie.

And then there came... man.

To screw the whole thing up!

Hey!

Well, what about Ross?

I and a party of 23 others were on a scientific expedition when the bombs began to fall.

Servo

Oh, message- message coming in! I bet it's from Beach Dickerson.

Its raw power was unleashed all over the world; retaliation added to retaliation until all traces of man's had been wiped from the face of the Earth. Some that survived the blast grew huge beyond all reason and formed as the dinosaurs of prehistory. Or some took on new forms altogether- mad in shape and purpose.

They became stock footage!

My comrades and I- half-protected by our radiation suits- found ourselves given an age far beyond the span allowed. Out of all the sprawling millions of the Earth, a handful escaped all harm through either fortune or design. After the nuclear holocaust, the wisest of them set out a long list of tablets. The laws are in the form of a religion now; it's strange to see them living the lives of Cro-Magnon man...

Servo

Cro-Magnon P.I.!

On occasion we tried to contact them, but they feared us; and our radiation killed those who came too close. And now... only I'm left, and the radiation has worn away these long, long years...

Joel

So you know it's okay.

[over a shot of the Symbol Maker's son] ...Now a new one thinks and wonders about the truth of the law- a man who will dare to try again. I am very lonely...

[as man] In fact, I'm dead!

Servo

Dead tired.

This happened a long time ago, and as you know men did meet other men and fire smelted metal and made explosives. The wheel turned machines and made gun barrels; the towers were built and flattened. How many times will it happen again, and if it does... will any at all survive the next time?

Servo

Doubtful.

Or will it be... THE END?

And these four children are especially important about the four things.

Joel

'Cause they're on the payroll.

The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns.

Joel

Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats.

Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement.

Servo

Hey, who wouldn't be?

Joel

That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy.

But they are not happy with what they see.

Servo

They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing!

For Tommy is indeed surprised...

No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!

...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round.

Joel

He's got VPL.

Servo

Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL!

Now Jimmy is disturbed to see...

Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops!

He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall.

Just like his dad on Friday night!

And what gives Jane her worried frown?

Joel

Valium?

Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree.

Servo

All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here.

Our Mary is a happy girl...

Servo

(imitates repeated burping)

...with hollowed chest and tired head.

She should jut go home to bed. Green Eggs and Ham.

Servo

Thank you, Sam-I-Am.

At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test.

Hey, it's Hitchcock!

Tom

Yeah, after Slim-Fast!

Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture.

Joel

And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood.

FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX!

Servo

Then Mary's head is lit on fire!

And the other three children win the other posture crowns.

Servo

Definitely a fix.

Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures?

NO!

Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life.

Junior Rodeo Daredevils.

Smothered in gravy--Texas style!

Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.

All nine of 'em.

Eight seconds.

Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much.

Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater.

Joel

It's sad, really.

Servo

[singing to the tune of Home on the Range] ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!!

He must eat his own body weight every few hours…

…plus a delicious shake.

Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.

Johnny's car rolled and burned.

There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.

Joel

Simulated culture like Disneyland.

"No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."

And you'll like it!

No! I don't wanna go!