Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Megaweapon… Megaweapon… Megaweapon…

I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha!

Servo

What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?

Joel

Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex!

Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?

How many ways can I say "no"?!

Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.

Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?

I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.

… with a loser like me.

Where's my racket?

I should spank myself.

How does Jeff get ideas like that?

From the voices inside his head.

Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas!

Joel

The lunch menu?

Honk if you love Eegah!

Hi, Roxie!

Sorry about my face!!

Ow!

Joel

Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?

Servo

[patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!

Joel

I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.

I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?

Joel

Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?

Well, I hate him, naturally.

Joel

Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?

Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!

Servo

I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.

Joel

Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?

Or when they 86'd Jarts!

Servo

I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!

Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.

Joel

Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary released No Cure For Cancer as an album, or when Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia"?

Servo

I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.

Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.

Joel

Yeah, and how about the Charlene Tilton workout video?

Servo

Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?

Joel

Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to Yahoo Serious.

I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like Moses and the Israelites.

Servo

Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!

Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God?

Joel

Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.

Servo

He's wearing corrective everything!

Roxie! It's me, Tom!

That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!

Joel

Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.

Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.

Joel

Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.

That purse will be the death of him!

[singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...

[in unison] EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!

Joel

[singing] I can't fight this feelin'...

It's Frederick's of Maplewood.

The Loretta Young Show!

[singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...

[in unison] EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!

Joel

[singing] I can't stop this feelin'...

Joel

Easter Bunny films presents...

Servo

"Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.

Wonder if they sold this film door to door?

Most of us think that these people were really free...

But they were just stupid!