Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000, page 12 ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Joel Hodgson

Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes

4th most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 542 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (294), Crow T. Robot (271), Narrator (42)

Scenes with Joel Robinson 438

Joel

[reading a building abbreviated as SPACOM] Spacom: wood-filled and meat substitute.

CCrow

We built this city on Spacom!

Servo

Instead of rock and roll?

CCrow

Yep.

S1 Project Moonbase (movie)

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[The Dark One, disgusted with Valeria's lack of progress orders her to leave, as she pleads with him]

VValeria

Dawk One, please...

DOThe Dark One

Torque, take her away from my sight!

VValeria

No, Dawk One, please! I will pwove myself to you!

Joel

Taking someone out of an omnipresent being's sight is kind of hard, isn't it?

S1 Robot Holocaust (movie)

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[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]

SAServo [as Astronaut]

Well...that could have gone better.

JAJoel [as Tooter Turtle]

Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!

CACrow [as Other Astronaut]

Nonsense!

SAServo [as King Arthur]

Run away! Run away!

JAJoel [as Tooter Turtle]

I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore!

[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]

SAServo [as Shaggy]

Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!

CACrow [as Mr. Wizard]

Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!

SAServo [as Mr. Wizard]

Time for zis vun to come home!

S2 Rocketship X-M

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[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]

Joel

Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned?

FDr. Forrester

We couldn't get it!

S2 Rocketship X-M

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TSTV's Frank

Welcome to Deep 13. Would you like to try our smooth, creamy Thruster Buster?

Joel

Where's Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester?

TSTV's Frank

I'm Frank. I'm new here. As for Dr. Forrester, he stepped out for a moment. As for Dr. Erhardt... he's missing.

S2 Rocketship X-M

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[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-Superman George Reeves) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]

Mike

Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.

JAJoel [as Mike]

Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from foreign planet.

S2 Jungle Goddess

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[On the Catalina ferry Little Richard performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]

CCrow

Little Richard? I hate impressionists!

. . .

Servo

Prince, I hope you're watching this!

Joel

I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!

CCrow

Little Richard: the one true talent in this film!

S2 Catalina Caper

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[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]

Joel

All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? [Servo buzzes in] Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!

Servo

Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?

Joel

Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?

Servo

[screaming] DUCK AND COVER!

Joel

Is right for five points.

S2 Rocket Attack U.S.A.

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[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]

MManston

Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.

JAJoel [as Manston]

That's why we've got to crush them!

S2 Rocket Attack U.S.A.

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[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]

GGeneral

If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.

Joel

You mean an actor becoming President?

S2 Rocket Attack U.S.A.

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[General Watkins answers his phone.]

GGeneral

Hello?

JAJoel [as voice on other end]

Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear?

GGeneral

Yes!

S2 Rocket Attack U.S.A.

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[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]

JAJoel [as Moffitt]

Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40.

[He puts on a sweater.]

SAServo [as Moffitt]

Let's see… [groans] … ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.

CACrow [as Moffitt/Old Man]

I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey…

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)

S2 Ring of Terror

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[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]

Joel

Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.

Servo

If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.

CCrow

Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.

Joel

An epa-- oh, that Genesis album?

S2 Wild Rebels

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[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]

Servo

Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.

JAJoel [as Adman]

You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time!

S2 Wild Rebels

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[the bikers' hideout is shown for the first time, notably with a swastika-emblazoned flag hanging off the wall]

Servo

Just look at all those books up there [on the shelf]- Leaves of Grass...

Joel

Trump: The Art of the Deal...

Servo

Mein Kampf...

CCrow

The Essays of Pat Buchanan...

S2 Wild Rebels