Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse!

The First Lutheran!

Your features are so… masculine.

You look like Pat Summerall.

No wonder you're built for hard labour.

You'll be giving birth to Paul Prudhomme.

Welcome back to the MST3K Blockbuster Review, featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see.

Servo

Um-hmm.

Mike

Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, Halloween Water, which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.

Would you wanna--

No.

Maybe possibly--

No!

Sometime--

No!

Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday?

Well, oka-- no!

Yeah… I can't.

Saturday?

I can't.

Sunday-Monday-Tuesday?

N-O! Th-the W is silent.

It's just that I've never-- I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir.

Did you fire the weapon in basic training?

Yes, sir.

But I shot my sergeant.

The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th--

Was being sucked through a time portal.

I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.

Servo

Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too!

Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.

I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home!

Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.

I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.

I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water.

I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.

The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything.

It's called Venezuelalization.

I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to the Liberator, who led six South American nations to freedom.

I think it was Zorro or something.

Mornin', Mike!

Mike

[exhausted] Oh, morning, Gypsy! What have you got for me? [drinks water from the human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister nozzle]

Oxygen-nitrogen mixes within required standards. We are currently at low-orbit over Southern Madagascar, and that wonderful smell, there's a lamb roast I have in the oven.

Mike

[taking the towel from Gypsy and dries his sweat off from his face] And sweet yams?

Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's weather service reports! [Mike and Gypsy stroll over to the main desk] Here's a hard-copy! [gives a hard-copy version of the satellite's daily newspaper to Mike, which whom he starts reading] The Cubs lost again.

Servo

[comes out of one of the desk's pothole hatches] Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, why, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love, today? Hm? No dangerous problems or horrible mishaps in sight? Hm?

Mike

No, Tom. Everything appears nominal.

Servo

Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So, I guess that means you're not worrying about what that rhythmic pounding might be?

Mike

[listens to the sound/noise] Yeah, what is that?

Servo

Yeah, what is that, hm? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you, this is not something you should be hearing. Something's causing this, Mike. Hm? Now, let's think... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....

Mike

Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?

Servo

Where's Crow? Huh. I'm not supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron headed towards the basement with a pickaxe in his hand!

Mike

[Turning to Gypsy, alerted] Gypsy, go to Condition Yellow! We gotta stop him!

Roger! [familiar Commercial Sign alarm is active]

[singing It's a Long Way to Tipperary] It's a long way to tipperary... [*Thunk!*] To the sweetest girl I know...! [*Thunk!*] Goodbye to Noah Beery... [*Thunk!*] Hello Harold LLOOOOOOYD...! [*Thunk!*]

Mike

[O.S.] Crow!

Huh?

Mike

Crow, listen, you gotta stop!

Oh! Hi, Mike! I found a perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth! [*Thunk!*]

Servo

[hovering down] Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space!

Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn! [*Thunk!*] [continues singing]

Mike

[quickly rushes to Crow] Crow, no! You'll breach the hull!

Mike

[quickly rushing to something to hang onto for dear life] WOAAAH! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

Woah, I didn't expect this!

Servo

Attaining.... Maximum RPM.... Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... Stabilize! There, that should do it— [gets sucked towards hole] WOOOAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Wow, this is confusing! Uh, Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations?

Thank you! Wow, look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined! Hah!

Servo

[screaming] WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA-AH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! OHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAHHHHH! I LOVE YOU, MIIIIIIIKE! [*Sproing!*] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Mike

SERVO!

Mike

[impressed and satisfied] Attaboy, Servo!

I won't do that again!

Servo

Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT!

Mike

Now, Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts.

Well believe me Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway.

Mike

Now, here you go. [pulls Servo off the hole, replacing him wth Crow's helmet that he removed earlier]

Servo

[upsettingly] Aw, darn!

It's time! Dr. F is calling for you!

Ah! Mike! Robots! I'm feeling particularly evil, because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called This Island Earth! You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently!

Mike

Uh, sure, we have! Last week!

No, no, no. I think that was more of a curtsy of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... NOW? [cuts off life support systems]

Mike

Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— [starts choking]

[panicking] Bowing, sir!

Servo

[*Dialogue speed not understandable*]

Mike

Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez!

What a dickweed!

Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go?

[dejected] Yes...

Because I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know...

You won't...

Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth! [pulls a lever]

Mike

Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN!

Say, I have a new film on safe driving skills that I'm gonna look at in the morning. Would any of you like to look at it? Can you meet me back here at nine o'clock?

Sure!

Mike

Okay.

Alright. See you in the driver's education room.

See you later!

Bye!

Let's hurry home! The purge starts tonight!

Ah, you're here. Listen, I need you to snap-to. My mom's here and I promised to take over the world before pie is served. So uh... help me out, and I won't destroy you.

Mike

We'llllll think about it. Hey, it looks like you got a regular Playboy After Dark shindig going on there.

Yes, it's Frank. He invited them last April. Even in the afterlife, he mocks me.

So what is this, Star Trek: Voyager or something?

Oh no no, mother, this is my experiment. Remember when I shot a-

Art? Is that you?

Why Pearl, how good to see you!

Oh, Art, you rogue, it has been so long.

Ah, you're looking radiant, Pearl. Ten years younger since the scars were sanded off!

Oh, you charmer, you! So, you work with my spawn.

Yup. Pretty much run the place. [Servo clears his throat] Oh, these are the guys who work for me.

Mike

So what's the story in this movie?

Mike, the real story is the signature Steven Spielberg "Scenes of people looking". Let's watch.

Tom

[Excited] Oh I know I will!