Scenes with Mike Nelson 617
[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]
Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie!
. . .
MikeAll these people bear... some responsibility, you know.
[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]
Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of stupid Rutland, Vermont! This is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. Go to hell, citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont!
[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]
Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote!
Mike
Let go of it, man!
Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your Websters, and your Facts of Lifeses, and your Who's The Bossesesses!
[Movie Sign goes off]
Mike
We got movie sign! [Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]
[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of Raul Julia's head inside a golden electronic cube]
Mike
This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.
Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...
Mike
Oh no, don't say it!
Mike
Ahhh.
[The cube begins to fade away]
Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man!
SAServo [as Raul Julia]
But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero!
[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]
Mike
Wow. TV's Frank!
Wow. Frank's really come up in the world.
[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]
AAppalonia
He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control.
[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]
Mike
And its effect on Bugs Bunny.
. . .
Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie.
. . .
AAppalonia
And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it.
MAMike [as Appalonia]
Data entrying with no pants.
. . .
[Fingal gets caught.]
We now return to Billy Madison.
[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]
Mike
[on the therapist] It's Merv Griffin!
CComputer
Ask about his mother.
SAServo [as Computer]
Ask if she wears Army boots.
[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]
Doctor Who... the hell cares!
Mike
You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too?
[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]
At least I'm not an anteater.
Mike
This movie just hates anteaters!
. . .
This cost me every credit I have?
Mike
He's gonna start flinging it any minute now!
. . .
MAMike [as Fingal]
I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater!
[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]
Mike
It's Asian Pee-Wee.
. . .
Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, Ram Jazz. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe...
[On the name of "The Place"]
Mike
Formerly "That Other Place".
Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and this was the name they thought up.
. . .
. . .
Mike
Formerly "The Site".
. . .
It's changed ownership. Now it's a gentleman's club.
[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]
I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored!
[Mike and the bots all look around]
OK, which one of us said that?
. . .
Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer!
MCMike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]
[dully] I'm okay with that.
. . .
[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]
CACrow [as co-worker]
My coffee coupon!
...
If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work.
[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]
I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.
Mike
Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!
[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]
The chairman's got really bad dandruff.
Mike
This is how much pure cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie.
. . .
MAMike [as Fingal]
I'm not cleaning it up either!
[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
[singing to the background music] You can't always get what you want...
. . .
[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]
SAServo [as God]
Here's some more commandments I forgot.
MAMike [as Fingal]
You... you anteater!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
