[Servo has appeared to have Gypsy devour him, and Crow is halfway inside her mouth]
Okay, buddy. Slide right down!
MikeCrow! What in the world are you doing?! [Mike pulls Crow out of Gypsy's mouth]
Hey, hey! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! OW! Right on my hip!
Mike
Come on up here!
Thanks, Mike. I hope you don't think that was my idea.
Mike
No, I think I know whose idea it was. [peeks inside Gypsy's mouth] Hey, Tom!
Hey, Mike! See if you can get her to swallow you. It's really neat!
[embarrassed] Oh, This is so embarrassing... I don't look fat, do I?...
Mike
No, Gypsy. You don't look fat. You're a little lumpy, maybe, but not fat.
Oh, this is embarrassing...
Come on! Hop in and experience the alimentary canal in action. It's the ultimate trip!
Mike
Uh, no thanks. I think I'll pass. Anyway, we got letters to read here.
You know, Mike, I don't feel very well all of the sudden. I think I'm getting allergic to Tom...
I think I'll go get a tissue... [slowly slithers away]
Johnny goes first to see the fish.
CACrow [as Johnny]
I like fish...
Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home.
Mike
Well, see, they were in the creek, but they've been caught and that's why they're here.
[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]
SAServo [as Narrator]
Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! Waaait...
. . .
Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings!
[confused] What, tinsel, little lights?
This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy.
. . .
Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?
[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]
Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane.
SAServo [as Bob]
Where's the corn go?
Wonder what it would be like to fly it?
MAMike [as Narrator]
...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [N]
[Harness races at the grandstand]
CACrow [as horse]
Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
SAServo [as horse]
Carrots? I love carrots!
. . .
Mike
A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
[quietly, as if off in distance] Aiieee...
Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
. . .
CACrow [as boy]
Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya!
. . .
[One horse is way behind.]
MAMike [as horse]
Uh, hey guys, wait up!
. . .
And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage.
Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys] Elvira...
[Fade to the next scene]
SAServo [as Bob]
Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large!
[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]
Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to--
[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]
MSMike, Servo, & Crow
AAAAAAAAH!
[Magic Voice and Cambot present to Crow and Servo a hypothetical vision of what life on the Satellite would be like if Mike wasn't nice]
Mike
[to Crow and Servo; dressed like and acting like a strict Boy Scout chief] I suppose you think you're bein' a smart aleck, don't you mister? Well, I'll tell you something; I'll wipe that smile right off your face!
Hey; we were just reading-
Mike
[hits Crow with a magazine he confiscated from him] Shut your pie hole! I know a thing or two about a thing or two; I'm not gonna take any lip from you two, I'll tell you that right now!
But we didn't- [gets hit by Mike and starts crying]
Mike
I'm not gonna raise any sissies around here; you guys got it easy! Look at this (soda) pop; is it done? Look at it! [jams the soda cans into Servo's and Crow's faces] Now that's a done pop!
[unnerved, from outside the monitor simulation] Okay, Cambot; we've seen enough!
Turn it off; TURN IT OFF!!!
[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]
[after several seconds of silence] Depressed yet?
JVJoe [voiceover]
You know, it's fun to have an idea.
MAMike [as Joe]
There, wasn't that fun?
[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]
And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
MAMike [as Joe]
[luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
SAServo [as Joe]
[nervously] I put them in my underwear!
...the bright glare of a welder...
CACrow [as Joe]
[wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
...the sharp whine of the power tools…
MAMike [as Joe]
...the piercing scream of a freshman…
...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
CACrow [as Joe]
[wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
The feeling of chaps with no pants!
Mike
Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
CACrow [as Joe]
[haltingly] These tools are my friends!
What about girls young man? Girls?
Mike
No, no, chisels!
[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]
JSJoe's buddy
Wow, you made this?
MAMike [as Joe]
I'm making it for the Grand Wizard.
JSJoe's buddy
Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.
JSJoe's buddy
Kinda slow, huh?
Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
CACrow [as Joe]
Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.
[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]
BMr. Barnes
[We'll need] carpenters.
SAServo [as Mr. Barnes]
[woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
. . .
[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]
BMr. Barnes
[We'll need] foundry men.
Mike
[singing] Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from...
BMr. Barnes
Tool operators.
CSCrow, Servo
[singing] Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . .
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
