In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity...
MAMike [as Narrator]
Bodies stack easy.
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
Scenes with Mike Nelson 617
[Over the "The End" card]
SAServo [as Ed McMahon]
And remember to buy Ed McMahon's Budweiser ice cream.
AAll
Hi-yo!
MikeLeni Riefenstahl's most powerful film.
Hi-yo!
The Dead Talk Back (movie)
[Doing a fire drill on the SOL]
CCrow
There really is no place to go!
MikeWell, still. We gotta meet code.
No talking in line!
[The opening credits identify the heavy metal bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: Motorhead...]
Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of Cole Porter tunes!
[...Girlschool...]
CCrow
Uh, that's Womanschool?
[...Thor...]
[lisping] Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth.
[...Deathmask...]
MikeOh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
[...and Fist.]
And I saw Fist when they opened for Badfinger!
[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]
MAMike [as one of the teens]
I think we hit a moose!
CACrow [as one of the teens]
[hysterical] C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!
[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]
BBobby
Hey, what's the matter?
MAMike [as Jim]
This Kansas song just makes me so sad!
[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]
CCrow
Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time!
MMaciste
Land! Land!
SAServo [as Maciste]
It would be really great if we found some land!
MAMike [as Maciste]
It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry.
[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]
Oh no! It's a horrible drop into...
[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]
Oh. Heh.
. . .
[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]
SAServo [as soldier]
Hey, this is fun! Whoopee!
MikeAnd thus, synchronized swimming was invented!
[As a not very good dancing performance goes on and on.]
MikeSo... apparently, the director... has a girlfriend.
. . .
CCrow
This is history's first awkward moment.
Mike[dramatically] For the first time, people don't know where to look.
[The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.]
KKermes
The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance.
MikePssh! He's talking about fragile shoulders.
KKermes
Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty...
And pants!
KKermes
And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess.
CCrow
Well, at least you're not pompous.
. . .
KKermes
That is why you and I will rule together with me as your...
Dun-dun-dun!
KKermes
...advisor.
CCrow
Huh?!
. . .
[Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.]
MAMike [as Kermes]
Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it!
[Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.]
MAMike [as Maciste]
Wow, those sharp things really work!
. . .
And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally does something!
[The carpet/alien is "devouring" a victim, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth]
MAMike [as Alien]
Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in...
CACrow [as Alien]
I can't believe I ate the whole thing!
The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.
MAMike [as Narrator]
…to a sold-out crowd!
Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
SAServo [as Narrator]
And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again.
CCrow
[while the crew indulges in a coffee shop setting scenario, trying to avoid coming off as pretentious] It's definitely not working. ... [in a snobby tone] I've been recording my life in pastel!
The only question worth asking is "What am I going through right now?".
[as a in-house guitarist, towards Mike] You- the white male- are my personal oppressor. Oh my!
CCrow
Yes, she is so great! I saw her one-woman show; her soul cried out to me.
So I'll take my rage, and box it up, and take it out with the trash!
MikeThanks a lot, Dr. Forrester; see what you've done? You turned my friends into a bunch of self-absorbed poseurs!
A white male middle-class power holder would say that, Mike!
[while he and Mike stage a parody vignette of "Love, American Style", holding a wedding ring] Well, I'm finally going to propose to Debbie!
MikeThat's great; let's see the ring. [puts it on his finger, and it gets stuck] The ring's stuck!
I guess we'll have to get married! [chuckles as he and Mike kiss]
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