[The character of Mike Nelson has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in Deep 13.]
Here it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker
Mike NelsonYou guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
Scenes with Mike Nelson 617
Mike Nelson[After Joel has escaped and the Bots are panicking, cut to Deep 13 where Frank is staring slack-jawed at the camera, then ponders his keys which Mike had borrowed earlier.]
[walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair] Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?
Oh, not much... inventory's under control...
Yeah?
Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand--WHAT?? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?
[Dr. F begins typing on the control panel.]
Well, I'd better get started on that floor...
Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, nooo! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!
Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--Frank! Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.
Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?
[Mike walks in behind them with his time card.]
MikeCan you guys sign my time card?
[Dr. Forrester and Frank begin laughing maniacally; Mike, confused, nervously joins in.]
Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?
Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?
MikeC'mon, you gotta sign my time card!
Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank!
[As Dr. F puts his arm around an uncomfortable Mike, Frank turns to look at the camera, puzzled, as he pushes the button and the screen fades to black.]
Say, Mike... what size jumpsuit do you wear?
MikeEhh...
[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]
MikeHey, that was my prom theme!
SAServo [as Cortner]
Stop sign, what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve?
[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]
CACrow [as Cortner]
Aughhh! The road is attacking me!
[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]
SAServo [as Jan]
[muffled] D-Don't forget my purse! Honey?
. . .
SAServo [as Jan]
[muffled] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy?
. . .
[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]
MAMike [as Sports Announcer]
Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!
CCrow
He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy.
[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]
MAMike [as Cortner]
Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.
CACrow [as Cortner]
[pervertedly] Saaay, this could actually be an upgrade...
SAServo [as Cortner]
Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.
[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]
MikeIf Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
. . .
SAServo [as Maître d']
Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.
[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]
MAMike [as Announcer]
Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
SAServo [as Cortner]
I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!
[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]
MAMike [as Radio DJ]
Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN!
[echoing, hushed] K-PORN!
[Inside the college dorm room]
So... Where's Waldo?
MikeHe's under the bed.
[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]
CCrow
Geez! How many times was she held back?
Heh heh heh.
LLiz
Hi, Peg!
[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]
MAMike [as Peg]
Hi, Mom.
PPeg
I think I'll send a telegram instead.
LLiz
Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.
MAMike [as Liz]
Well, I've known her for fifty years…
LLiz
Honestly, Peg -- I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.
PPeg
Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!
MAMike [as Peg]
He's anatomically correct, and everything!
PPeg
It's the real thing.
LLiz
I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.
SAServo [as Liz]
...at the turn of the century.
[The short is ending.]
How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?
Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?
How can you tell? Is this love?
CCrow
You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.
[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]
MikeAnd, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.
CCrow
No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.
[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]
"How Much Affection?"
CCrow
"When Should I Marry?"
[Mike and the bots continue with fake titles.]
Mike"Know Your Ointments"
"What's That Down There?"
CCrow
"When He Wants It Rough"
Mike"Procreation, Not Recreation"
"Oh No, Pleasure!"
CCrow
"McClintock!"
Teen-Age Strangler (movie)
[The short opens over a large clock.]
SAServo [as radio announcer]
The Jack Benny Program!
[The clock strikes ominously.]
Mike[deeply] Ebenezer Scrooge...
MMary
The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?
CACrow [as John]
Aw, let's just cheat!
JJohn
x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... [Mary shakes her head]
SAServo [as Mary]
Nobody home, huh?
JJohn
Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...
MAMike [as Mary]
John, this is geography!
[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]
MAMike [as Narrator]
Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.
[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]
SAServo [as Miss Grandy]
This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.
[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!
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