Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[singing] What do you do when you're branded?

[singing] You watch TV.

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[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]

Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!

So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh?

[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]

Mike

Whahappa?

SAServo [as TV announcer]

Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!

[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]

MCMike, Crow, Servo

[in a dull voice] Tequila.

Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.

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[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]

MMan

Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in.

Mike

Simpson, eh?

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[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from The Mole People.]

[confused] Wha-- that's The Mole People! These movies have crashed!

Mike

You got your Mole People in my Batwoman!

You got your Batwoman in my Mole People!

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So, Mike. This is Hell.

Mike

Yep.

Mike, I demand that you kill me.

Me too.

Mike

No. [a beat] Will you kill me?

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[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]

[screaming] ENDDDD! EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!

[And now, at last, the film ends.]

Mike

[defeated and unimpressed] What a wild wild world!

Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you!

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[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]

WWanda

I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!

SAServo [as Robbie]

It's your helium addiction.

. . .

WWanda

Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!

MAMike [as Robbie]

'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.

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[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]

MAMike [as Wanda]

Ah! Swimsuit issue!

CACrow [as Wanda]

This whole room smells like my eyes!

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[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]

WWanda

Dad?

Mike

Look, your dad's not responsible for everything that happens in the world!

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[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]

Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or Sir to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son?

Mike

[weakly] Sir, yes sir.

I didn't hear you, ladybritches!

Mike

I said sir, yes sir!

[in pieces on the table] Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch Sisters!

You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh?

[sarcastically] Ooh, ooh, I'm scared...

Mike

Hey Crow, c'mon...

I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath!

Mike

Uh, This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine.

And what is the name of your robot, boy?

Servo! Tom Servo!

I don't believe I was addressing you, Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and give me twenty, Corporal?

Uh, 'cause I can't?

Well, now, you just bought yourself two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!

Mike

Uh, we'll be right back.

I heard that, Pyle! You piece of filth!

Well, several pieces, actually...

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[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]

CACrow [as Grasshopper]

They got Jiminy! Get em!

. . .

MAMike [as general]

We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to grasshoppers, people!

S5 Beginning of the End

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[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]

MSMike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]

Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!

S5 The Atomic Brain

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[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]

MAMike [as Announcer]

Pete, Linc, Julie, and... Steve?

. . .

SAServo [as Walter Winchell]

Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!

S5 The Atomic Brain

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[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]'

Mike

Hey, wait a minute!

She's nude!

Lady...

S5 The Atomic Brain

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[(Servo has been outfitted with gadgets and thermometers all over his body. Most noticeable are the anemometer and weather vane atop his dome.]

Mike

So, then, with just this little weather kit, you've transformed yourself into, uh, what was it again?

Weather Servo Nine! First to bring the Satellite of Love vital weather information that affects YOU!

Mike

You know, I appreciate that, but, uh, there's very little weather in space, and besides, we have instruments that handle all of that.

Servo, you're gonna die in space.

Crow! He might not.

That's right, Crow! Now, raise Weather Servo Nine into space, and I'll report the weather as it happens to YOU! [gets raised]

Mike

[whispering]Well, it doesn't happen to US, we're protected by the satellite.

[whispering] I know, just send the poor dope out to space.

Don't die!

Up to the minute forecasts from Weather Servo Ni--[hatches shut, cutting Servo off; his voice is heard off-screen] Boy! [audibly shivering throughout forecast] It's COLD out here. Is it supposed to be this cold?

Oh, don't be afraid- you're Weather Servo Nine!

Mike

Servo, just make your report and then get back in here, okay?

Well, before I get on with the weather, I've got a couple birthdays to announce! Haha! Just kidding, of course. Man, is it COLD out here!

He's dead meat.

Yep.

I guess the big news is the cold weather. You might want to take a jacket, haha! D'oh. It's co-o-o-ld. Oh, what's this? Looks like a meteor shower's gonna be coming by. Might warm things up a bit. Oh hoho...It-it'll probably pass just to the north of us, but you might want- oh, oh! [Servo suddenly screams loud and long]

Mike

Looks like it's not working! Cambot, you'd better show me Rocket Number Nine! [Outside, Servo is bombarded by asteroids. He's brought down from the hatch and is badly burned.]

Well, that'll happen.

Servo, are you all right?

Mike

Servo, buddy, speak to me!

Well, [coughs] I'm not cold anymore. [coughs]

Mike

I better start fixin' you up.