Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Father, I had a feeling today.

Well don't, son.

Servo

[in a British accent] Field Marshall Montgomery sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day...

They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.

No, I-- I'll just have Saltines.

I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.

Emotions are for ethnic people.

Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.

I can't stress "unemotional" enough.

No one starts eating until Father has served himself.

THIS MEANS YOU!

Always wait for the hostess...

to seat you.

...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start.

Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!

Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is.

...even as you gag on it.

It stinks!

Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion?

Do you? DO YOU?

And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?

WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!

When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.

...and control and repression.

You know, this makes me want to heat up a Libbyland frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV!

Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby!

Mike

[waves goodbye] Bye-bye, everyone.

A Simmel-Mervay release.

Control tower, request landing instructions.

[irate] Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?!

Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. [...] Finished with your drink?

Yes, but I--

I'll take care of her.

Is that the way you want it?

[suggestively] Vince and I are gonna make our own tank parts.

What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.

Servo

One of 32 short films about... this guy.

Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?

Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!

Servo

Mickey Rourke came over to help.

No inspiration, darling?

I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.

Why would you wanna write him?

[singing] I wish I had a castle in the sky...

Mike

[angrily] Yeah, well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one piles up first!

[singing] Away up high where bluebirds like to fly...

[singing] I wish I could have sex with Louis Nye...

[singing] A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more...

[singing] I wouldn't have to dress like Tipper Gore...

[singing] I wish my living room were all redone...

[singing] I think owning a newspaper would be fun...

[singing]: I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day...

AIM HIGH, SISTER!

Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen!

[singing] I wish that refridgerator door would close and stay closed...

Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refridgerator.

Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse!

[singing] I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit...

[in a Australian accent] Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000!

Mike

That's about as sexy as a garage.

One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma.

Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these.

Servo

Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh?

Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?

Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey?

Servo

[singing] Money...

Wait a minute, do that again!

Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.

Yeah! Yeah! Why not?

I'll call someone to write the song!

The following scene contains graphic sexual content.

Servo

Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway?