Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

I want to register a complaint for what I feel was a misleading use of the word "beast", which led me to assume it would be hairier. Perhaps a yeti or, given the setting, a chupacabra.

Servo

You weren't expecting a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur?

No, I was not.

You could start a drinking game for every time you see a horse's butt in this movie.

Servo

What do you call it?

I don't know. "Pancho"?

And then your kids could play the game of "Panchito", which is when they beg you to stop.

Servo

[singing in the melody of the MST3K Theme] But the cowboy didn't like him, so he shot him in the face.

Meta!

You can drop the rifle ray.

My name's not Ray, it's Stella!

It's here on the third planet of the next solar system.

I've never been there.

And my birthday's coming up. Hint, hint.

What's it like?

Red fogs, high winds, low gravity.

Oh, it's like Delaware.

And the atmospheric conditions are stable. However, the entire planet is covered with ice and snow.

Like Delaware.

And you must be extremely careful when the sun sets. The temperature drops thousands of degrees, and in an instant, everything freezes over.

Like Delaware!

Actual footage of David Hasselhoff at Comic-Con.

These cavemen have kinky little skirts. It's fun!

Oh, well now they're just openly ripping off Spaceballs.

Thank God for my completely original weapon: the illumination sword!

It's a can of spring snakes.

Servo

That's beautiful. Just to set a prank adrift in the world and hope it brightens some stranger's day.

Or gives them a heart attack.

Prepare to surface.

Jawohl, Kapitän.

Ugh, the realtor described this place as cozy.

Up periscope.

Up periscope!

Klaus, stop copying me. Jeez, every time...

Guys, what is my rule? If you're going to use my periscope, you had to wipe it off after. Come on!

This kaleidoscope sucks. There's no colors.

Thick fog. Perfect cover for us. Down periscope.

Down periscope!

Klaus, what did I just talk to you about?!

Sorry, mein Kapitän.

Both engines full ahead.

Both engines full ahead!

Klaus!

Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area.

Servo

He said "area".

And we should rendezvous within the hour.

Or the pizza's free.

And you, Commander will be transferred to her, and shot as a pirate.

Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrrrgh"?

Nope.

Someday the whole show will be like this.

Servo

So that creature's probably endangered, right?

Oh yeah, for sure. Last of its kind, a priceless treasure, his sweat cures cancer, blah blah blah. KILL IT! KILL IT!

[as Hercules struggles to pick up a log] Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, this is heavier than I thought! Okay, coming through! [grunt] Man carrying entire tree! Look out! Oooh, this is heavy. Oooh this hurts! Oooh, I didn't anticipate this!

Why is she standing behind a giant napkin?

Servo

Ooooh...

Oh, it's hanky panky.

Hey hey hey hey, Servo get down from there! Crow, get over here!

Servo

Yeah, there's the robe. Forget it.

How was it though?

Terrible. She wasn't even wearing any underwear.

Servo

Buffering.

Processing.

Compiling.

What?

Download complete.

Servo

Buffering.

Processing.

Compiling.

But then you-

Download complete.

Servo

He seems to have ridden into some kind of promotion for Mountain Dew Mist.

See that pink smoke? Nowadays, all this would just be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and steril.

Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest.

Right.

How do you get pink smoke?

Servo

That's easy, you crash a Mary Kay cosmetics car.

The center lane is for newlyweds only. Out of the way!

Servo

This is simultaneously the most and least responsible driving I have ever seen.