Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Will this be cash or charge?

Cash.

On second thought, I'll just put it on my gun!

Servo

Heh, that guy's totally pistol-whipped, man.

Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh.

Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store!

I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. [Points to Buz.]

Mike

Boy?!

Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. [Pulls Buz aside.]

Servo

I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties!

Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime!

I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share.

Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor!

Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people and I killed a guy!

Servo

Well, what do you expect, he's only a child!

Mike

Hey, they drove straight to Christmas Village to blow the wad.

Servo

[Singing to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"] Oh, it's lovely weather for a surfboard together with you...

Mike

Doctor Dolittle? That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy.

Servo

I think someone slipped us their vacation videos.

Okay, keep it coming. I'm not convinced they're in L.A. yet.

Mike

An 18-story office building? This could only be L.A.!

Servo

[singing along with the music] Oh, Charles Manson walks our streets,

Merry Christmas, everyone! Let's go to the Haunted House!

[snidely] Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Bob Jackass.

Honey? You okay down there?

Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!

Mike

Why, here's something else Satan created: Japanimation!

Servo

It's the anime version of Peter Rabbit.

God help me!

Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. [muttering] You're on your own.

Do you know who I am? I am the supreme being!

Servo

Clapton?

I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.

Mike

[laughs] Why?

[seeking help from a psychic in regards to the monkey] Why do I have to deal with it alone?

Listen to me, David! As a psychic, I have an aura of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense!

Wake up!

The moment I set foot in your house, all hell would break loose, literally!

Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about evil spirits-

[seemingly agitated] Get that toy out of your house!

You idiot!

I have a feeling that's not going to be so easy to do.

You want some peanuts?

What's that?

It's called a bethogram.

I sense the demon's name is Beth.

This is supposed to protect me from the demon, huh?

Yes, just keep it in your possession at all times.

Great, should I wear garlic around my neck, too?

My God, David!

You moron!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just wish that you could come-

I know! I am sorry! I wish I could do the exorcism for you, but this is something you'll have to do on your own!

Damn it!

And remember David, NEVER let it know!

You stupid bastard! I could stab you in the eyes right now, so help me God!!!

No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please!

Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse!

Servo

Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!

Mike

Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.

Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember.

He's a Cute-a-saurus!

Servo

He's being attacked by a schnauzer in a dinosaur costume.

Mike

[laughs] Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?

Servo

Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare!

Hey, how did you know who I was?

Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.

Mike

Fred Burrows?

Servo

Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows.

Servo

This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf.

Mike

Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed.

Mike

Huh??

Servo

The movie that packs more "Huhs" per second!