Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?

A-are you sure you're buying the right kind of jumpsuit?

Mike

Hmmm...

Servo

[excited] Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? Catfish Hunter, that's who! Ha ha ha!

Mike

[unimpressed] Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name.

Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work.

Servo

[deflated] Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often.

Mike

But it only works if you get the correct, current name.

Servo

[disappointed] So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh...

Mike

Tom, are... are you sulking?

Servo

[angrily] No!

Mike

Yes you are, look--look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke...

No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick...

Mike

Ssshh! He's suffered enough.

Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student.

Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute.

[over the walkie-talkie] He's close to you!

My left or my right?

Servo

Well, which way are you facing, idiot?

Paul, are you alright? What happened?

Servo

She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" a lot.

I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place.

Servo

Dozens! No, hundreds of antiseptics!

Your place?

Yeah, my place.

Mike

I call it "Antiseptic Manor."

Fine. Your place, then.

Not his place! Fornicators!

Tha-- That's just a picture of the moon!

Servo

Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute.

I see... a huge casino!

Mike

Oh, come on.

Mike

Guess he's a... felonious monk!

I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!

[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.] You son of a-- [Audio edit]!

Mike

...what?

Servo

Huh. What do you think he's a son of? Son of a preacher man? Son of a son of a sailor, maybe?

You son of a-- [Audio edit]!

Uh... something!

Get off your knees, you son of a-- [Audio edit]!

Same thing you said!

I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- [Audio edit]!

I'll kill you, but I won't curse you!

Servo

Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- [Audio edit]!"

Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts!

Servo

And God sends a door chassis from Heaven.

You better ru-u-un

Servo

Or he'll steal your lunch!

You better hi-i-ide

...your lu-u-unch!

You better ru-u-un

Mike

Cause he's got the runs!

Cause he won't stop till he gets his man

Or your lu-u-unch!

Mike

Oh yeah!

Servo

Woo!

Lay it!

They say his kind isn't bound for heaven/The ranger...

Takes a roast and wraps it in bacon

That may be true

Servo

But there's potatoes on the si-i-ide! Woo!

Yeah! Pass the gravy now!

Mike

You know, maybe we should lay off the food jokes, guys.

Yeah, I guess it's not really fair to Joe Don Baker.

Mike

I mean, some people just metabolize a little slower –

Servo

MEATBALLS FRIED IN LA-A-ARD!

All right, Servo! Sorry, Mike, all bets are off.

Mike

Oh, come on now.

Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, munch, munch, munch, munch, chew, chew, chew, chew, gorge, gorge, gorge, gorge, burp, burp, burp, burp, STUFF LOTS OF FOOD IN YOUR MEAN BABY FA-A-ACE!

Mike

Oh, now you guys prepared that.

Come on, it's an obvious line, Mike.

Servo

Pork chops, cream puffs, candy bars!

Pizzas, Cheetos, Mallomars!

Servo

He won't stop till he eats it a-a-all!

Yeah, OK, that's it. I'm going, you guys. Do your food jokes.

Yeah! Give me seconds, baby!

Servo

Hey, baby, you gonna finish that?

Anyone gonna eat that last piece of cake? 'Cause I will!

Servo

Aw, somebody give me a napkin!

Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.

[in stoner voice] Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit -- woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.

My prince…

… are back from Fotomat.

I never gave you aught.

Tscha!

My honored prince… you know right well you did.

Right well did not!

To be or not to be...

Mike

The literary equivalent of "Da-da-da-dunnn!"

That is the question.

I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...

Servo

Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler!

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?

Mike

Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.

To die: to sleep.

Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub.

No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to...

Mike

Ok, we need a predicate, now.

...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.

Especially with Ophelia, man! [snickers]

Mike

Oh, you...

To die, to sleep.

Servo

To SLEEP!

Mike

Whoa, that's an old chesnut.

To sleep...

Servo

To SLEEEEEP

Perchance to dream...

Servo

The impossible DREAM?

Aye, there's the rub.

Mike

I knew I had some rub left...

...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?

Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe.

Who would fardels bear...

Mike'

Ha, fardels...

And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others--

Servo

SUM UP!

--that we know not of?

Mike

So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say!