[Driscoll is explaining security procedures surrounding a secret shipment while incessantly cleaning his glasses. Servo makes glass-wiping noises throughout.]
MAMike [as Driscoll]
What is on these things?
DDriscoll
The operation to deliver will begin at precisely oh-five-hundred hours when an Army convoy will depart the laboratory. But...
CACrow [as Driscoll]
I have to clean my glasses first.
DDriscoll
Due to the security breach, and just between the four of us...
SAServo [as Driscoll]
My glasses are filthy!
[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]
HDr. Hill
You better watch where you're going!
[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]
CACrow [as Guard]
Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant!
. . .
[Dr. Hill drives away]
ServoUh... driving she may be!
[Dr. Hill is parking her car]
Ah parking! What a great way to establish character and create tension!
[The car's engine makes odd noises]
An exhaust system she may need!
[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]
PSProf. Steiner
Laser Preheat!
CACrow [as Prof. Steiner]
Grease and flour cake pans!
PSProf. Steiner
Laser Emission Relay.
Laser Emission Relay… on!
SAServo [as Prof. Steiner]
Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
PSProf. Steiner
Relay One.
SAServo [as Prof. Steiner]
Really dumb scene… end!
[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]
Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?
Servo
Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?
Do I want the director just killed or should he be tortured first?
. . .
[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]
Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]
[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the bots' join the fun]
Servo
Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...
I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
Servo
You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...
[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]
JEJudge Eden
Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
SAServo [as Chapman]
…with courage and nudeness.
[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]
SAServo [as White]
You got any gum?
MAMike [as Chapman]
He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.
[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]
Servo
I don't know, you had him last! [laughs]
You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
Servo
Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? [laughs]
[Mike enters.]
Servo
[screams] YAH!
Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
[chuckles] Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
Servo
Thank you!
[backpedaling] Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
[Mike finishes chuckling]
[sighs, defeated] Good one, Servo.
Servo
[gloating] Well, thank you! [chuckles]
[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]
What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
SAServo [as Noel]
[in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!
In due time, you'll know everything.
Well, maybe then it's too late!
Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.
[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]
SAServo [as Natalie]
The... thing that it comes to?
You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
CACrow [as Yuri]
Yes, we is.
But over my deadBODy. You hear me? I won't stand for it!
SAServo [as Natalie]
You is a jerk!
[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]
Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU! Tusk!
Servo
Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...
Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Tusk!
High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...
Servo
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Tusk!
Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!
I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Tusk!
Servo
Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...
And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...
In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...
Servo
One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...
MCMike, Crow and Servo
Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! Tusk!
[Host Segment Four. Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws]
It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore.
[holding a rag to his head] Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches!
Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- [notices Mike's new features] hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man!
Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god!
[while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look]
Servo
Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head!
[Mike does so] So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. [voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow] Hey! Wait a minute!
Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence.
Servo
Blech! Don't say essence!
Yeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm...
[choruses with Mike] Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said!
Servo
Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW!
Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel?
...I have an intense love for bacon...
...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet.
Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great!
Servo
[disgusted] If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! [leaves]
Yeah, whatever. So what else can I expect?
Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so...
You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC-
Great! [Commercial sign starts] Oop. [choruses with Mike] Well be right back!
Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines.
Ooh, good point! [chuckles]
[Slender British rock band The Birds (not the more famous Byrds) perform a song.]
[singing] Eight… miles… wrong!
. . .
Servo
Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
