Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Y'know, Space Chief should try going into space sometime!

Servo

Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief.

Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief.

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[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of Hitler being blown up]

[royally confused] What the...?

Servo

They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?

All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!

The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...

They blew it up!

. . .

Say, Mike--was there a Hitler Building where you grew up?

Not, uh...no. No.

Sure?

...Yeah.

. . .

[Another spaceship begins to dive]

What next? The Mussolini Mall?

Servo

Yeah! Followed by the Pinochet Petting Zoo!

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[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]

So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that would get us through this?

Servo

Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... [thundering] EAT IT, MOVIE!

Whoa! Whoa!

Servo

[still ranting] TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR-- [begins sobbing]

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[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]

Servo

That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud!

. . .

They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor.

. . .

[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]

CACrow [as Space Chief]

Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more!

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[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]

It lists Hitler as a "fairly stable veteran of the Great War."

Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.

Servo

Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."

Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?

Well, I used them when I was a kid. [Blows dust off a volume] They seemed fine then.

The periodic table has three elements in it, Mike!

Servo

There's a volume for the letter epsilon.

There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.

Servo

It's got a picture of Stonehenge!

So?

Servo

Under construction?!

So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.

Servo

Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.

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[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]

MMacPhearson

Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.

I disagree!

MMacPhearson

Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the Southern Sun.

CEChief Engineer

Then let him do so alone.

EPEngineer Parsons

This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.

CACrow [as Parsons]

I just have to wet myself first.

MMacPhearson

Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?

CEChief Engineer

We'll not allow that! No!

Servo

The easily led wise council.

[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]

EPEngineer Parsons

Let me go, traitors!

MAMike [as Parsons]

What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww!

Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it!

Servo

Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them.

Death by snicker-snag!

[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick]

I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs!

SAServo [as MacPhearson]

Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party."

MMacPhearson

Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason?

I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir!

MMacPhearson

Report to the enforcers' bridge.

Servo

Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done!

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[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]

RRyder

Listen, lady!

LLea

Doctor!

RRyder

Doctor.

Doctor Lady!

. . .

RRyder

I had to eject! I had no other choice!

SAServo [as Lea]

That's Doctor I Had No Other Choice!

. . .

[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]

RRyder

Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel.

It's Doctor Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel.

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[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]

Oh, no, the death of Rick Springfield!

Servo

I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!

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[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]

Servo

Herve Villechaize's Death Car.

Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!

CACrow [as Ryder]

Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!

. . .

CACrow [as Kalgan]

We need both horsepowers on this thing!

. . .

[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]

MAMike [as Bodyguard]

I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!

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[The Sting-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]

SAServo [as Devers]

[singing] De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...

[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]

Hey, wait, she's dead!

Servo

Yeah, she's dead!

She died!

[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]

CDCapt. Devers

Commander Jansen?

CACrow [as Devers]

I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.

. . .

[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]

CJCmdr. Jansen

I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.

CDCapt. Devers

Helveca?

MAMike [as Devers]

Oh, I love that font!

. . .

CJCmdr. Jansen

It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret.

SAServo [as Cmdr. Jansen]

Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.

. . .

[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]

MAMike [as Devers]

'Kay, look alive, everybod-- oh...sorry, Susan.

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You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur?

Servo

Oh?

Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked."

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KKalgan

I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's similar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that.

SAServo [as Kalgan]

You're too stupid to know anything about dentistry.

LLea

You bastard!

MAMike [as Lea]

How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!

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[Throughout the film, Mike and the bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]

Slab Bulkhead!

Servo

Fridge Largemeat!

Punt Speedchunk!

Butch Deadlift!

Bold Bigflank!

Splint Chesthair!

Flint Ironstag!

Bolt Vanderhuge!

Thick McRunfast!

Blast Hardcheese!

Buff Drinklots!

Servo

Trunk Slamchest!

Fist Rockbone!

Stump Beefknob!

Servo

Smash Lampjaw!

Punch Rockgroin!

Buck Plankchest!

Stump Chunkmen!

Servo

Dirk Hardpec!

Rip Steakface!

Slate Slabrock!

Servo

Crud Bonemeal!

Rip Slagcheek!

Servo

Punch Sideiron!

Gristle McThornbody!

Slate Fistcrunch!

Buff Hardback!

Servo

Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...

Servo

Blast Thickneck!

Crunch Buttsteak!

Slab Squatthrust!

Servo

Lump Beefbroth!

Touch Rustrod!

Reef Blastbody!

Big McLargeHuge!

Smoke ManMuscle!

Servo

Eat Punchbeef!

Hack Blowfist!

Roll Fizzlebeef!

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[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]

Servo

Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?

Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie.

Servo

Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!

Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?

Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.

Uhhh...

[The music slows down to a power ballad style]

Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.

Servo

Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.

Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.

Servo

And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger!

Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!

Servo

You're pathetic.

You and your '80s!

Servo

Your precious '80s!

You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!

Servo

Yeah!