Scenes with Tom Servo 1,241
[while a police detective chain smokes multiple cigarettes outside a house]
Crow [as detective] Wow, these cigarettes are really addicting! I wonder if they know about that.
...
MAMike [as detective]
They should get kids going on these things!
...
CACrow [as detective]
[inhales] Aw man, I should have bought at least eight more cartons!
...
SAServo [as detective]
[inhales] Man, I just love these things!
CACrow [as detective]
[inhales] Ah, I love cigs. I gotta get a carton of these for my pregnant wife.
...
SAServo [as detective]
What I love, really, is that they're so good for you. [inhales]
...
DDetective
Good evening, Mr Scott.
CSClifford Scott
Hello. I'm sorry you have to stay out here.
DDetective
That's alright, sir, it's my job. Goodnight.
CACrow [as detective]
By the way, you mind if I smoke out here?
...
[after a gunshot is heard in the house]
DDetective
[trying to get into the house] Mr. Scott?! Mr. Scott?!
CACrow [as detective]
Do you have a cigarette?!
[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]
MAMike [as The Gill Man]
[In time with the dramatic music] Here I am! I'm the Creature!
ServoBoy, Esther Williams didn't age well.
[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]
AMiss Abbott
Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All -- right.
SAServo [as Miss Abbott]
And... evolve.
[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]
CACrow [as Lion]
Um... hakuna matata?
. . .
[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]
Servo
I see -- it's a three room Japanese apartment.
[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]
NNeil
Teri... would you marry me?
[Teri pulls away.]
MAMike [as Neil]
Uh... uh... I withdraw the question.
TTeri
Oh, Neil -- I can't.
SAServo [as Teri]
Starfleet forbids it.
[Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]:
I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns.
Servo
That means you're a sexual predator.
[after Teri shuts Neil out of her room suddenly, and Sally enters the house]
CACrow [as Neil]
I realize now what a horrible lie our engagement has been. I frankly feel very disgusted by the thought of- oh hi honey.
SSally
I don't think an explanation will help. Do you wanna try?
SAServo [as Neil]
Nah, let's go get a burger.
MAMike [as Neil]
I left you some gum in the car...
NNeil
I had a drink with Teri and took her bags upstairs.
SAServo [as Neil]
There was a bushman in the luggage and he attacked.
NNeil
[defensive] Look, her aunt's an important client and good friend! I- I couldn't just run out! Now don't start imagining things... [Sally walks away]
CACrow [as Neil]
This is the fifties, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car!
[The film begins with an introduction from Professor Frank C. Baxter of the University of Southern California.]
BBaxter
This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable.
It's a fabulous funny freak-out.
BBaxter
But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over...
BBaxter
You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told.
Servo
It's a story botched.
BBaxter
It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye.
Peanut nostrils happy clams.
[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]
Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada...
SAServo [as Narrator]
Canada, our mortal enemy.
... the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
MAMike [as Narrator]
The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.
[after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth] I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced.
Tom Servo
[mournfully] Yes; the Earth has been destroyed.
[as Movie Sign blares] No, even worse than that; we've got Movie Sign!
[as Dr. Jackson gets a phone call]
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford?
CACrow [as Dr. Jackson]
General Tennessee Ernie Ford?
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
... Yes.
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
Well, try lancing it.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over.
MAMike [as Dr. Jackson]
General wants another foot massage.
MBMarge Blaine
Everything alright?
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Of course.
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
They just demoted me to the gift shop.
MBMarge Blaine
Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you.
CACrow [as Dr. Jackson]
It is so!
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Very nosey.
MBMarge Blaine
Okay, be mysterious.
MAMike [as Marge]
I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret?
MBMarge Blaine
Hope to die.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
They found an old bone up at the north pole.
[as Marge says nothing] Mrs. Bert Lahr.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. [leaves]
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye!
[The movie opens with the title: The Thing That Couldn't Die.]
Servo
The Strom Thurmond Story!
Couldn't die or wouldn't die?
[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]
JJessica
You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
Servo
A trade rat?
JJessica
Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
SAServo [as Jessica]
…in Maine.
You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.
[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]
MAMike [as Linda]
The rats put in a new crystal!
SAServo [as John Cameron Swayze]
John Cameron Trade-Rat.
[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]
GGordon
Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
MAMike [as Gordon]
He had a little tool and die shop down there.
SAServo [as Gordon]
I think I got most of the rat droppings off it.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
