Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Dr. Meacham! Good morning!

Good morning.

Please, come in. Both of you.

We're glad you could join us at the Buddy Ebsen society!

What I want to know is...

[interrupting] Who we are.... why we're here.

And why I have a picture of a burger on the wall.

Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death.

The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams.

You fine, foxy lady!

What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?

I'm afraid I don't know the gent--

I'm not an alien!

My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.

Our composer? He belongs to the world.

Yes, indeed.

I'm not an alien.

We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.

Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest -- but I'm not an alien!

Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads?

Servo

[sarcastically] NO!!!

That's enough. Normal view.

[singing in time with the dramatic music] Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW!

[to the Mutant] Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK!

Servo

ACTING!

Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go...

RUTH! MEACHAM!

I LOVE YOU!

[picks up boulder] Stand back, Exeter!

Meacham, please! You have to believe me!

You're holding a Mutant turd!

Oh, Carl.

Uh, Cal.

... oh, Cal.

Home...

Thank God it's still here.

And Friday!

Mike

Hey, it's the Amazing Rando!

Servo

Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!

Now, we've never met before, have we?

Mike

...So we're watching someone waiting for someone.

Servo

There's a point where it stops being a movie!

Woo hoo! We're going on a trip! Hey, where are we going?

Servo

Chickens are shipped to the set of Oklahoma!

I think the fella in white really likes us, Susan. [clucks]

After the chicks are two or three weeks old, they can be allowed out of doors if the weather's good.

And if they've completed their lessons.

When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work.

Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops!

[catching Jimmy listening to the radio] Jimmy!

Good morning, Mr. Haskins.

Leave that radio alone. Sweep up the place. You're getting paid to work, not entertain yourself!

Okay... Hey, that Creeper guy murdered somebody again last night.

Oh, murders, detectives, gangsters... that's all you think about! Get the broom.

I think about sex, too!

"Eat me, you hateful old fossil. Signed, Jimmy-" HEY!

[holding the grocery list] Where'd this come from?

Somebody stuck it under the door.

[annoyed] Uhh...

I hate customers!

Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door?

No!

Go to hell!

And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it!

Piss off! [Mike is starting to laugh out of character]

Somebody's probably too busy to pick up the stuff.

Could be the Creeper.

[packing a grocery bag in agitation] Creeper, Creeper, Creeper! You give ME the creeps!

Servo

Zinga!

Well he could be! That'd be a swell reason why he wouldn't want to see anybody, or come out, except at night.

You just gotta deliver these groceries. And don't forget the money. A dollar and a quarter.

Why'd you hire me if you hate me so...?

Okay... but I still think it might be-

I know! So he's the Creeper. Now you just creep along with that- [stomps his foot down; Mike is starting to laugh uncontrollably] I MEAN HURRY UP WITH THAT STUFF!!! And then get back here and do the rest of your work!

Dear GOD, I HATE YOU!!! I hope you DIE!!!