Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

Visit your government church!

Mike

First Federal Church, member FDIC.

At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick and delivers a famous speech. Now, to whom was this speech delivered?

Uh, Richard Dawson.

Fred Sanford?

Uh, Larry Hovis.

Vince, would you mind answering the question, please?

Look at your mouth, you got such a funny little...

VINCE!

Uh, nipples.

Servo

I'm more held by the question of Hamlet's madness, sir.

I'm sorry, Mr. Carter. Would you repeat the question, please?

To whom was Hamlet's favorite graveside speech delivered?

I don't know, man. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope. [the class laughs]

Mr. Malph, please.

Have you given any more thought to college? The term's gonna be over in a week, you know.

You're 28. You should graduate.

So, are we going to walk the alleys all night?

I'm sorry, Betty, honest.

Oh, that's okay. At least it was a good movie.

I've never walked to a drive-in before.

Oh, just forget it. I'm having a lovely time.

Betty.

Can I sniff your bra?

I've got almost a dollar left. Would you like to have a Coke?

I'd love it.

Thanks a lot, Adnan Khashoggi.

Mike

Tonight only: Cokes, a dollar ten.

Oh, Vince.

Will you write a paper for me?

What's with you? [brief pause]

Mike

Rebooting.

With me and Marv?

Come on, I can't hold this face much longer!

Oh, you can't be serious.

Look, you were with him. You went out with him instead of me!

He had three dollars!

But, honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper.

Would he write mine if I kissed him?

Now would you write my shop project?

Should we just leave the dead guys there?

Eh, the crows'll get 'em.

This is the PTA reminding you to always do your homework.

Mike

You know, in light of this, cheating on the paper wasn't that big a deal.

Coming up next on Nick at Nite, one of the original black and white I Dream Of Jeannie episodes, then F Troop, next on Nick At Nite.

Filmed before a live audience.

This has been a Filmways presentation, dahling.

And when Curly dies, he feeds other Curlys in the wild.

[Griffin] ran all the way to Hell, with a penny and a broken cigarette.

Servo

Which is really all you need in Hell, so it works out great.

The Bill Clinton Story!

Servo

The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today!

After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate.

Servo

[chuckling] No, it isn't.

And one large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on.

Servo

There it is! No wait, there!

Hey, can I go to the bathroom?

No, stay in there.

Oh, come on. Can I go home?

No, the door's locked!

I've seen the episode where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth!

The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens.

And this fellow.

This one unit holds 85,000 eggs.

Servo

And one bathroom for all of them.

Mike

This is gonna be hot, hot, hot!

Servo

Mork calling Orson...

Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here!

Servo

That is one bloodshot eye.

Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty.

[singing] How dry I am-- [hiccups]

And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell.

Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter.

[singing] Come on down and meet everybod-- Oh, sorry.

Mike

I hate it when people tape their own deliveries.

Servo

Aren't there supposed to be pantyhose in there?

Oh, what did I do last night?

Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade.

Servo

Yeah, for pervs!

Whoa, Milton Berle there...

Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids.

It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral.

Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonan be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group!

Mike

40 piece chicken nuggets to go!