[Teacher Mr. Carter is discussing "Hamlet"]
CMr. Carter
At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick and delivers a famous speech. Now, to whom was this speech delivered?
CACrow [as student]
Uh, Richard Dawson.
MAMike [as student]
Fred Sanford?
SAServo [as student]
Uh, Larry Hovis.
[Mr. Carter notices Vince flirting with Betty]
CMr. Carter
Vince, would you mind answering the question, please?
MAMike [as Vince]
Look at your mouth, you got such a funny little...
CACrow [as Vince]
Uh, nipples.
I'm more held by the question of Hamlet's madness, sir.
I'm sorry, Mr. Carter. Would you repeat the question, please?
CMr. Carter
To whom was Hamlet's favorite graveside speech delivered?
I don't know, man. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope. [the class laughs]
CACrow [as Mr. Carter]
Mr. Malph, please.
[Mr. Carter is talking to Marv after class.]'
CMr. Carter
Have you given any more thought to college? The term's gonna be over in a week, you know.
SAServo [as Mr. Carter]
You're 28. You should graduate.
[Cash-strapped Marv and his father are both getting ready for their dates.]
You know, maybe if they sold off one of those Tiffany lamps, then...
GMr. Grant
Oh, by the way, I think I'm gonna have a job next week.
GMr. Grant
Yup. I met a guy today who's sure he can put me on full time.
MAMike [as Mr. Grant]
Yup. I'm going to sell my plasma door to door.
[Marv and Betty are on their date, walking the street.]
CACrow [as Betty]
So, are we going to walk the alleys all night?
MMarv
I'm sorry, Betty, honest.
Oh, that's okay. At least it was a good movie.
SAServo [as Betty]
I've never walked to a drive-in before.
Marv It's just that I, well, I had to give some money to Pop--
Oh, just forget it. I'm having a lovely time.
MAMike [as Marv]
Can I sniff your bra?
MMarv
I've got almost a dollar left. Would you like to have a Coke?
CACrow [as Betty]
Thanks a lot, Adnan Khashoggi.
[Cut to a diner.]
Tonight only: Cokes, a dollar ten.
[Vince confronts Betty, who just got Marv to write her term paper.]
CACrow [as Betty]
Will you write a paper for me?
What's with you? [brief pause]
SAServo [as Vince]
Come on, I can't hold this face much longer!
Oh, you can't be serious.
Look, you were with him. You went out with him instead of me!
CACrow [as Betty]
He had three dollars!
But, honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper.
MAMike [as Vince]
Would he write mine if I kissed him?
. . .
MAMike [as Betty]
Now would you write my shop project?
All of this because of a strict English teacher.
[As the film ends, almost everyone has been shot dead or just arrested.]
CACrow [as Cop]
Should we just leave the dead guys there?
MAMike [as Cop]
Eh, the crows'll get 'em.
This is the PTA reminding you to always do your homework.
You know, in light of this, cheating on the paper wasn't that big a deal.
[The cast list scrolls by.]
SAServo [as a TV announcer]
Coming up next on Nick at Nite, one of the original black and white I Dream Of Jeannie episodes, then F Troop, next on Nick At Nite.
Filmed before a live audience.
MAMike [as Eva Gabor]
This has been a Filmways presentation, dahling.
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